Women .. How to keep your man .. do what the hell you need to do... Guidance from a Gay Man

Here it is in plain fucking English. I am tired of watching Divorce Court, Jerry, Judge Judy, Maury, or any other crazy ass show that has a “he left me for my best friend theme”. If he left you for her that is your damn fault. You have the same equipment that raggedy whore who stole your piece does so if you are not working it right that is on you. Done.

People get complacent real fast and that is the problem here, complacency. What women don’t realize is that you need to be more on your game the longer your relationship goes.

I am going to use this Wisdom Wednesday to let you know what really needs to happen to keep your man with you, and coming home to you EVERYDAY!!! In three easy steps..

Women, how to keep your MAN:

Step One:

Tell those hoes to hire a handyman. Some people would tell you to not have any attractive friends or something like that, but I have said time and time again it is not the cute ones you need to worry about. You need to face it, mediocre to ugly bitches will steal your man. Period, re-read and write down. What you need to convey to your friends is your man cannot fix SHIT, he is so bad he cannot change a light bulb, because as soon as you tell that ho that he is handy, he will be in her hand and she will have stolen your man, all under the guise of a broken door lock or a drippy faucet.

Straight women, I don’t get it. You work so damn hard to get a man and then when you’ve got him you let him roam the outward plain unsupervised. Take it from a gay man, men are dumb; they are lured in by stupid shit, like a call at 12AM that a bitch cannot unlock her door. WHAT? You need to train your man that that kind of call is intended to get him in some Kobe Bryant/Mike Tyson kind of mess. The kind of mess you may have to kill him for. Tell him and your bitch ass friends he is not Rota Rooter or Pop A Lock …

This is how it needs to play out:

Your Man: “Hello this is Larry”

Your Ho Ass Friend: “Hey, Larry this is Tish”

Your Man: “Hey Tish, what it do?”

(I will pause here, if you have a man who talks like this, you need to let your ho ass friend have his sorry ass, no man who talks like this can do shit for you long term)

Your Ho Ass Friend: “Nothing, hey Larry I know Kisha out of town but I cannot get my door unlocked and I am afraid I will break the key off in it can you come help me”

(This is where a well trained man would say, “no girl you need to call your cousin or your brother and see who can help you deal with that, it is too late for me to be out like that”)

Your Man: “Yeah, girl where you stay at?”

(His ignorant ass never saw it coming, NEVER)

Mess, mess, mess, mc mess mess. Next thing you know your hiring that show Cheaters to bust him out because he is buying new clothes and ironing and shit, but not for you. And you never expected Kisha because she has been your girl since middle school and besides she is healthy and not all that attractive and wears HO CLOTHES…. Which brings me to Step Two.

Step Two:

Ugly bitches will do anything. You can define ugly by attitude, looks, whatever; but what you need to define is your plan of attack. You need to keep your good shit as secret as a VP pick, don’t tell your girls that you man is good at shit. Remember he cannot fix shit, that part is easy the hard part is the money and the sex. You are so proud that your man is successful and can work you out better than a Wii Fit that you feel the need to tell every bitch you know.

And it goes a little something like this:

You: “Girl, Kisha, girl Larry has a good job, girl ooh and he only has to work one shift, girl. He may have a friend up at the plant that you can meet”

Your Ho Ass Friend: “Girl, I need me a man with benefits, you know little Jubari has asthma, so I need a Postman or something like that, somebody with a low copay, girl”

You: “Mmmmm but that aint it. He can work it behind the doors too…”

(this is where you made your mistake, don’t tell that single ho ass bitch your man is good in bed. Do you see how she dress, that should tell you how desperate she is and you just put your shit on MAIN STREET, you just made a pact with the Devil.)

Your Ho Ass Friend: “What? He can? Better than your ex?”

You: “Bitch, that is why he is my ex.”

Your Ho Ass Friend: “Damn you lucky, girl I need to get my front door fixed.”

You: “What?”

Your Ho Ass Friend: “Nothing just thinking to the future..."

(BOOM! That is the setup, she just set the stage for the takeover. She is Palestine and you are Israel, and you are about to fight over his silly ass like the West Bank)

Lesson here is what? Your man cannot fuck, I hate to be crude, but put that shit on the street. You can package it like you want, but you better let the word go forth, that he aint shit in bed. Best to tell all the nasty ho ass friends you have that he is bad in bed, tell them bitches ‘it hurt going in and sting coming out’. That is how you hold your shit down.. but only if you can handle Step Three too…

STEP THREE:

Work your JELLY. I mean you better work it and work it until you can’t stand up. You need to work your shit so good in bed, that you both may need to call in sick the next day. Because let me tell you this, what you won’t do some other raggedy bitch will, so if you want to keep your man you better take the plunge. It is simple, if your man wants to fold you up like a piece of Origami you better get to stretching. If he want to put on a Miner’s Hat with a light on top and explore your caverns, your better sell tickets to the tour. If he wants to put on a cape and jump through the window, you better buy a cat woman suit.

My point. Do what the fuck you need to do, because it will be that nasty, raggedy, bitch you know that steals him from you. And it won’t be who you think. Remember that. You need to keep shit right on the home front, because if you don’t someone else what? WILL!!!

Until next time, holla….