Men … How to keep your woman… Do what the HELL YOU need to do… Guidance from a Gay Man… vol 2

This gay brother got a lot of flack for only writing to the girls last week, so I am bringing that chicken home to roost. Men, you have the same obligation as a woman does to keeping a happy home, and if you are not in a home together you are MORE obligated to keep your shit straight.

Men, you are not yarn and she is not Rumpelstiltskin so she cannot spin your sorry ass into gold. You need to “get it together” keep it straight, or whatever hood rat phrases you use. If you are Muslim get your rug out, face east and pray on it, Jewish call your homey from Temple, Christian get some olive oil and a Bible; all that to say get it right and get it tight, because you have work to do too. For some of you it may take a miracle.

There are some simple steps here that will help you in keep your shit right. There will be no mock conversations because this is YOU shit, not watch for this shit like it was for the ladies. Men are not smart enough to talk about the goodness of the candy they got at home because they don’t know what is a fake orgasm and a real one, I will tell you how to know….. And shit I am gay.

Step One: Have Gay Friends

Straight men get the hell over yourself and get some gay friends. Let me put you on notice, we don’t want you; because if we did you would know it. You aint got shit over shine-ola otherwise you would not need a Gay Man telling you how to keep your shit right.

Gay men do more straight shit than you think. We all don’t synchronized swim. What you need to do is this, show that you are comfortable around the homosex, because it will make you more appealing to women, more importantly your woman. Take it from a gay man who has satisfied many a woman, I can have her if I wanted her, and I don’t want you or her.

Besides when you have gay friends you have a built in reminder to fix your shirt, get your eyesbrows done, tell you to buy new shoes, you know some who is more than willing to tell you what not to wear.

In this case a gay man is like a puppy in the park, except we don’t need to be walked and we come with our shots. We can help you relate because, unfortunately we know women better than your stupid ass does. She needs us, but you need us more.

Step Two: Buy a DAMN CALENDAR

How hard is this? I mean really how hard is this. You are not Ronald Reagan and you don’t have as many houses as McCain so you can remember shit, so what you need to do is get a PDA or an old fashioned calendar and remember shit. Because the more you forget the less you will get, trust me. You forget the wrong shit and you will be out on the porch.

How easy is it to remember a birthday, an anniversary, a first this, a first that? Let me tell you it is a lot easier and less painful than remembering the last of anything … So go to the store and buy a damn calendar. Then when you have it use it and surprise a bitch from time to time, because like I told the women last week, “what you won’t do another muthafuckah will” and you can take that shit to the bank and you will not need the FDIC. You ain’t nothing special, every bipedal man got the same shit you do, you did not patent that shit.

Step Three: Smell Right and Get it Tight

Smell Right

Clean your nasty ass, and by ass I mean your whole being, that includes the inside of your mouth. Wash under your b-sac and your taint, because she will not be a Magellan to your Cape of Good Hope if it smells like baby vomit. Nobody wants a dirty assed, smelly bastard with stank ass breath lying all up on them.
What does that mean, get some loofa, some good lotion, a pumice stone, toe nail clippers, baby whipes, and an extra toothbrush and use them all.

Loofa – To exfoliate your crusty ass skin
Good Lotion – ALERT – white people get ashy too and it looks like brick mortar so get your ass some loation and handle up EVERYDAY before you leave the dame house
Pumice Stone – Women you need to know this too, you need to hit that crusty heel like Babe Ruth. Nothing worse than some crack ass heels rubbing some soft skin in hot moments of sin. Which leads right into…
Toe nail clippers – groom your nails it is simple… if it goes past the skin you wont win, nobody wants their Achilles cut but your razor sharp bullshit
Baby whipes – Just take care of your asshole, you wont get hemorrhoids
Extra toothbrush – Yeah, all that shit you eat all day, that is what you breathe smells like… that with a topping of baby shit
Now that you smell right, you need to get it tight.

Get it Tight

I don’t care what you look like, go to the gym. I don’t care what sport you USED to play, go to the gym . I don’t care what you USED to be able to run the 40 in, make a touchdown in, dunk the ball in, or any of that shit; you need to be in the gym. Why? Because you need to look like who she is reading about, and last I checked she is not reading about Wilford Brimley.

Look men, you are never going to look like Antonion Sabato, Jr. you may never look like Junior from the Taco Stand but you need to try, and she needs to know you are trying, why? Because the muthafuckah that steals her away, oh he is for damn sure is trying, trust me. I see him in the gym every day, why? BECAUSE I AM AT THAT BITCH!!! Like you should be.

Buy some damn clothes while you at it. CONCERT REGALIA is not, IS NOT a fashion item. Frame that shit. This goes double for shit with a Weed Flower on it (hats, shirts, etc.). No one woman wants you to meet their friends when you are dressed like you just came from a Snoop Party. While smoking weed might be cool for you all wearing the shit is cool for NO ONE!!! You a grown ass man, get yourself some “staples”, and if you don’t know your “staples”, you know me, so call and I will tell you. How is she going to introduce you to a friend at the mall and you are in a damn Toadies t-shirt? Now tell me that.

She needs you to try, because effort goes a long way with a woman… So the last thing you need to try is manscaping. Now some of you might be screaming, “oh that shit is gay”; let me think which is worse you looking like Chewbacca or you doing that gay shit and trimming your man parts, and I mean ALL OF THEM!!! If you don’t want to venture down when she looks like Don King, she damn sure does not want to get a hair pic to go through your shit that looks like Macy Gray. Not Hot…

Get that damn back waxed while you are at it, she should not think you have on a shirt when you don’t, some people are into that but if she is not, then you are not. Remember that all you need to do is try and when you try that will get you the Golden Ticket.

Step Four (yeah you need an extra step b/c men are not right): Work it like a PART TIME JOB!!

Now look this blog may not have been the funniest one of the bunch, but it was needed you boys are falling off in at least of the 3 above and if you are not you MUST be falling off in this one.
You better work that shit like a PART TIME JOB. If you cannot hit it, tap it, slap it, rub it, taste it, feel it right, guess what? You got it… another muthafuckah will. More women than men cheat ….Why? Men aint shit in bed. That is it, period; call Judge Judy.

Men you are selfish. You think when you are done she is done, well you dead wrong. As a gay man who has satisfied many women let me set you straight. I can butter that bread any way she likes it, why? Because I am good that is why. My shit is like CATNIP!!

I can hear it now, “No man my shit is the bomb, my shit is good; she is always coming to get this”; if the rest of your shit is not right, THE ONLY reason she is coming back is because she has not found anything better. Trust me. You have the same equipment as 48% of the World’s population and I seriously doubt your shit is all that you say it is if it was you would be in the circus or on the internet getting some money. Stop talking about your shit like you got an anaconda when you have a garden snake. Look be confident in what you got, don’t tell someone “I can long dick you from across the street” unless it is true. That is why I say it all the time.
You must understand this fundamental thing it is not about size it is about DELIVERY. If you can pick her olive with your toothpick, I bet you cash money she keeps bringing you back to her martini.
TRUTH: Your woman is faking the Big “O”, and by O I don’t me Oprah, I mean ORGASM. You will know when she has had an Orgasm because you will get scared. You will think she is possessed. If your woman stops talking in English and slaps you with her foot, you might be close. If she grabs you by the eyelid and tells you don’t stop, you might be close. But you know you have hit it when she can turn on electronics without a remote. But you have to find it, and that is the problem, you don’t want to explore.

If your women is tired coming home from work EVERY NIGHT – it means you cannot tap it right . You need to buy a sex book and do everything in that book like you are tracing letters in 1st grade. You need to do it so good you make her face numb, you need to do it so good she has to walk to work sideways, you need to hit it so well that she does a flip like a Chinese gymnast at the end.

Let me let you in on a little secret this is how you know you are doing your job in the sac; your women beats you to it…. And by it I mean everything. I mean she want that shit so bad she will take an unpaid sick day for it. She will skip naked in the rain to get to it. She needs to be your #1 fan, she needs to be crying at the end of that concert. If she has never met you at the door in her drawers, you aint hitting it right, if she has never cooked for you in the nude, you aint hitting it right, so let me help you…

How do you hit it right?

Last longer – if you are done in ten minutes, you better phone a friend. Get you endorphins up and do some Kaegal exercises and get your shit on the 45 minute plan, and by 45 minutes I mean AT LEAST…

Surprise a bitch – while you are at the gym you need to work on your core and leg strength because you need to pick a bitch up walk her around and toss her around a bit. She will proudly go to work with a ripened black eye if she likes the way she got it. Now if she has not hit the gym, don’t try it … Period… you will be in traction the rest of your damn life.

Lastly, you have to go downtown, and not in a punk ass way. You need to eat that shit like a Las Vegas buffet. Lick it like you are eating a Jello pudding snack without a spoon. You need toeat it so well that make her sing like Jennifer Hudson and dance like MC Hammer doing that Typewriter dance. You do that, and you have it made. Trust me!

OK I am done with you for today…. Actually I am not …

Tell her she looks nice. Women go through too much damn trouble to look good for your sorry asses for you to show up with a Triathlon free t-shirt and some Tevas on. She will always look better than you, but she AT LEAST needs to want to look at you, because while you want her to look like the girl in MAXIM, I am sure she does not want you looking like a character from Family Guy .... so get it together….

Yeah so I hit you hard… You need to be … You need to get it right…

And if you got shit to say… add a comment…