Good morning, good morning, good people, good morning.
My name is Dragatha Christie. Scooter has so graciously invited me into his world to be his advice columnist. Please know that I am not Dr. Joyce Brothers but I do like the Brothers, so keep it together and get ready for real advice on Telegram Tuesday.
When writing please refer to me as Dragatha, Ms. Christie, or Ms. Dragatha Christie; but never as Draggie, Drag C, or some mess like that. It is Dragatha Christie, or D.C. if you nasty…
Alright here is Day One of this bullshit, and remember I don’t get paid and I am not censored so when you write to me, bring me flavor because I am fancy. Remember that is fancy, not fancie, or fancee; I am a respectable Drag Queen, I may look like the preacher’s wife but I fight like Lenox Lewis, so just be ready.
Today’s entries focus on two distinct personal issues on the one hand we have appearance concerns and on the other we have relationship issues, let’s begin with the appearance concerns….
Dear Dragatha Christie:
I am 24, 5'2" weigh 265, and I am very classy. I am big busted. I have a fairly large stomach (although the breasts hide almost all of it). I also have a nice, round behind and thick thighs. Some people have told me that I resemble Beyonce. I like to dress sexy, but I also need to be professional for my job at the telemarketing agency. What sort of clothes will work best on me to help me look my best while still keeping my own personal style?
- Wants to Look Good
Dear Wants To:
Huh? You how tall? You weigh how much? You big who? Your stomach is what? Whew, girl good thing I am off that narcotic because there was a day I would have to get high to deal with a big ass girl like you; that day has long since passed and I am here to give you some advice. I have some great suggestions for you.
First off, you don’t look like Beyonce. Period. Whoever told you that is related to the person who tells me I look like Halle Barry, if anything you look like Barry White and I look like Hank Aaron, but all that aside let me help you out.
STEP ONE: Stop eating. Diet. Exercise. If you cannot do any of those, stop eating for 4 days and use the money you saved to go to some war torn West African nation and eat what they eat. You ever seen anyone fat on Save the Children, NO!!! The only fat person on there is Sally Struthers and they all look at her like she is the sacrificial cow coming to the slaughter. So I see you have a round behind, keep it. I have one word of advice, a flat assed sistah is a LONELY sistah. So if you lose some of that ass you better work on getting it back. I mean work, work that shit like a part time job.
STEP TWO: Stop dressing sexy. Some shit is better left unseen. I do not want to see your labia because your shorts are so short. Besides that I don’t think anyone needs to smell your poon. Become friends with Summer’s Eve and buy and wear bottoms that come below the knee and are not clingy. As big as your ass is the last thing you need is a yeast infection. Wear granny panties; because I don’t want you writing back telling me your thong got lost in the Netherlands of your body.
Another thing to consider if you cannot find/afford anything new to wear; get a sheet or some drapes, watch and episode of Project Runaway and “MAKE IT WORK!”. If that fails you, run down to the circus and grab that thing the drape over the elephant, that will look HOT on your big ass…
STEP THREE: As for work, you need to quit. You need to work somewhere you can move around. Try Chuckie Cheese, Barney, Sesame Street, or some shit like that. A little make up and some primary colors you would make a great stand-in.
Be Blessed,
Ms. Dragatha
And the relationship Issue….
Dear Dragatha Christie:
I recently found out that my boyfriend has a fake leg. It is only fake from the knee down. I found out it was fake because it fell off during sex (he always keeps his pants on - just the way he rolls, he told me). At first, I thought I had broken it off, so I was both relieved and disturbed to find out, no ... it was just fake. Should this be a deal breaker? He has some money, but I feel like he was not honest with me by not telling me about the fake leg. Also, it's kind of gross.
Please help.
- Needs a Leg to Stand on
Dear Needs A:
GIIIIIIIRRRRRRL, you fucked up girl. Your problem is you like thugs with a thug walk. You saw that limp and told your girlfriend with you, “girl, look at that thug walk… mmmm”; you then walked down the Subway platform and tried to hollah. See I am a truth teller, I bet you and all the other readers want to know how I know you met him on the Subway, BOOM let me tell you.
- #1 – If he had a car you would have noticed that it was handicap accessible or at least had a tag, then you would have been like, “ooh look at that walk girl” and your girl would have been like “bitch you crazy, that is limp, he handicapped”
- #2 – It is summer it is too damn hot to be standing outside, if it was the bus stop you would have noticed that fake ass foot pointed up in the air.
- #3 – Last but not least, it was not the club of the grocery store, because he could not have walked too far, and he for damn sure didn’t dance
So I got that shit on the nose. It is called deduction, bitch. This is real easy. You need to LEAVE him because he is ill equipped. Period. He has 1 ½ legs and a small Johnson. Again, deduction.
How do I know about his Johnson? I mean, who in the hell wants to be with a man that can “tap it” with his pants on. That is some freaky shit, and believe me I am all about freaky, but if you can do all you gotta do with your pants on TRUST me only one of us is leaving satisfied, AND IT AINT ME!! You need a man that when he “taps” it, needs the whole dance floor. Okay? OK. You need a man that NEEDS to pull his pants down, because you need to get to it to DO IT…
So this is what you need to do. Stay with him until the end of summer. You say he has a little piece of money so get your hair done, get your light bill covered, and maybe get some school supplies for your child (if you have one). But one thing to keep in your mind… let him down REAL easy-like because he may be a good gravy train, but to assess that you need to know if the leg is polymer plastic or wood. If it is polymer, keep him in your pocket, that means he is getting a monthly check from Uncle Sam. If wood, put a match on that ho, and let him go. Either way, when he takes it off put it under the bed so you don’t trip over it.
Love and Peace,
Dragatha
Well that is all I got today. See you next week!! And remember, always keep a combed wig on standby… you never know who is coming to the door…. and remember all questions should come to soyouthinkiammean@gmail.com....
My name is Dragatha Christie. Scooter has so graciously invited me into his world to be his advice columnist. Please know that I am not Dr. Joyce Brothers but I do like the Brothers, so keep it together and get ready for real advice on Telegram Tuesday.
When writing please refer to me as Dragatha, Ms. Christie, or Ms. Dragatha Christie; but never as Draggie, Drag C, or some mess like that. It is Dragatha Christie, or D.C. if you nasty…
Alright here is Day One of this bullshit, and remember I don’t get paid and I am not censored so when you write to me, bring me flavor because I am fancy. Remember that is fancy, not fancie, or fancee; I am a respectable Drag Queen, I may look like the preacher’s wife but I fight like Lenox Lewis, so just be ready.
Today’s entries focus on two distinct personal issues on the one hand we have appearance concerns and on the other we have relationship issues, let’s begin with the appearance concerns….
Dear Dragatha Christie:
I am 24, 5'2" weigh 265, and I am very classy. I am big busted. I have a fairly large stomach (although the breasts hide almost all of it). I also have a nice, round behind and thick thighs. Some people have told me that I resemble Beyonce. I like to dress sexy, but I also need to be professional for my job at the telemarketing agency. What sort of clothes will work best on me to help me look my best while still keeping my own personal style?
- Wants to Look Good
Dear Wants To:
Huh? You how tall? You weigh how much? You big who? Your stomach is what? Whew, girl good thing I am off that narcotic because there was a day I would have to get high to deal with a big ass girl like you; that day has long since passed and I am here to give you some advice. I have some great suggestions for you.
First off, you don’t look like Beyonce. Period. Whoever told you that is related to the person who tells me I look like Halle Barry, if anything you look like Barry White and I look like Hank Aaron, but all that aside let me help you out.
STEP ONE: Stop eating. Diet. Exercise. If you cannot do any of those, stop eating for 4 days and use the money you saved to go to some war torn West African nation and eat what they eat. You ever seen anyone fat on Save the Children, NO!!! The only fat person on there is Sally Struthers and they all look at her like she is the sacrificial cow coming to the slaughter. So I see you have a round behind, keep it. I have one word of advice, a flat assed sistah is a LONELY sistah. So if you lose some of that ass you better work on getting it back. I mean work, work that shit like a part time job.
STEP TWO: Stop dressing sexy. Some shit is better left unseen. I do not want to see your labia because your shorts are so short. Besides that I don’t think anyone needs to smell your poon. Become friends with Summer’s Eve and buy and wear bottoms that come below the knee and are not clingy. As big as your ass is the last thing you need is a yeast infection. Wear granny panties; because I don’t want you writing back telling me your thong got lost in the Netherlands of your body.
Another thing to consider if you cannot find/afford anything new to wear; get a sheet or some drapes, watch and episode of Project Runaway and “MAKE IT WORK!”. If that fails you, run down to the circus and grab that thing the drape over the elephant, that will look HOT on your big ass…
STEP THREE: As for work, you need to quit. You need to work somewhere you can move around. Try Chuckie Cheese, Barney, Sesame Street, or some shit like that. A little make up and some primary colors you would make a great stand-in.
Be Blessed,
Ms. Dragatha
And the relationship Issue….
Dear Dragatha Christie:
I recently found out that my boyfriend has a fake leg. It is only fake from the knee down. I found out it was fake because it fell off during sex (he always keeps his pants on - just the way he rolls, he told me). At first, I thought I had broken it off, so I was both relieved and disturbed to find out, no ... it was just fake. Should this be a deal breaker? He has some money, but I feel like he was not honest with me by not telling me about the fake leg. Also, it's kind of gross.
Please help.
- Needs a Leg to Stand on
Dear Needs A:
GIIIIIIIRRRRRRL, you fucked up girl. Your problem is you like thugs with a thug walk. You saw that limp and told your girlfriend with you, “girl, look at that thug walk… mmmm”; you then walked down the Subway platform and tried to hollah. See I am a truth teller, I bet you and all the other readers want to know how I know you met him on the Subway, BOOM let me tell you.
- #1 – If he had a car you would have noticed that it was handicap accessible or at least had a tag, then you would have been like, “ooh look at that walk girl” and your girl would have been like “bitch you crazy, that is limp, he handicapped”
- #2 – It is summer it is too damn hot to be standing outside, if it was the bus stop you would have noticed that fake ass foot pointed up in the air.
- #3 – Last but not least, it was not the club of the grocery store, because he could not have walked too far, and he for damn sure didn’t dance
So I got that shit on the nose. It is called deduction, bitch. This is real easy. You need to LEAVE him because he is ill equipped. Period. He has 1 ½ legs and a small Johnson. Again, deduction.
How do I know about his Johnson? I mean, who in the hell wants to be with a man that can “tap it” with his pants on. That is some freaky shit, and believe me I am all about freaky, but if you can do all you gotta do with your pants on TRUST me only one of us is leaving satisfied, AND IT AINT ME!! You need a man that when he “taps” it, needs the whole dance floor. Okay? OK. You need a man that NEEDS to pull his pants down, because you need to get to it to DO IT…
So this is what you need to do. Stay with him until the end of summer. You say he has a little piece of money so get your hair done, get your light bill covered, and maybe get some school supplies for your child (if you have one). But one thing to keep in your mind… let him down REAL easy-like because he may be a good gravy train, but to assess that you need to know if the leg is polymer plastic or wood. If it is polymer, keep him in your pocket, that means he is getting a monthly check from Uncle Sam. If wood, put a match on that ho, and let him go. Either way, when he takes it off put it under the bed so you don’t trip over it.
Love and Peace,
Dragatha
Well that is all I got today. See you next week!! And remember, always keep a combed wig on standby… you never know who is coming to the door…. and remember all questions should come to soyouthinkiammean@gmail.com....
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