The Uptown 3
Two things in life that I love (not the only 2 but 2) are the NYC Subway and the feeling you get after you open up a fresh can of whoop ass on someone. So, why not combine them both? I mean you would think that would just make my damn day, right? Well, maybe.
I left a clients office today at precisely 4:30PM and I (rather than taking the car service) hopped on the Uptown 3 Express train at the Wall Street Station. Folks, I hate the Wall Street Station; the platform is skinny and small I always feel like I can fall off into the rat laden abyss that is the NYC Subway rail.
I get on the first train and it is packed like the Bush’s belongings at the White house. I had to squeeze in and be careful not to harm “the shoe”. As you all know I believe a shoe is the quickest way to measure a man, so I take pains to remind myself that “it is all about the shoe”.
That said I tried to commandeer enough space to protect the Billy Reid’s, but as we moved along the line the train got more and more packed I lost my faith in keeping the boy’s unscuffed. Anyway, the reason people take an express train is, well to get ‘there’ fast; it is also a way to avoid the riff raff, so I thought.
As we zoomed through the tunnel I was rocked in the pure bliss of the silver bullet that is the Uptown 3. Then we got to the 14th Street station and it all went to shit. All I heard was “EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! Someone needs to give up their seat so the handicapped person behind me can sit down.” The message came from an obviously mentally disturbed and likely homeless person who, as it were, was talking about his ‘imaginary’ friend “Jimmy”, he again said “One of you muthafuckahs needs to get up because Jimmy needs to sit down!” No one moved. He continues to blab and blab finishing with “New Yorkers ain’t shit, no one will give up their chair, Jimmy is going to get mad” at that point I looked up at him. As our eyes met, he says to me “You look like a politician, are you a politician?”, I smiled. He then sticks his hand out for me to give him a ‘hand bump’...now I don’t really like touching people I know let alone a homeless man on a NYC Subway train....so I never raised my hand and rather just looked him in his eye and said “I’m good..” Well who knew that would set off a powder keg.
Jimmy (as we will call him now) immediately flips out. The following dialogue happened on the Uptown 3 between me and Jimmy:
Jimmy: “You too good to touch me?”
Scooter: (no response)
Jimmy: “You heard me, nigguh (Strike 1), you too good to touch me”
Now, this is where we enter the ‘STRIKE ZONE’, the zone at which you have 3 times to strike this match before the starts to burn. Let me also state that as I have gotten older the use of the ‘n’ word has bothered me less and less, because at the end of the day, I know they are not talking about me; because you OBVIOUSLY don’t know me if you are calling me that, because you will get scrubbed.
Scooter: (no response)
Jimmy: “You aint shit, look at you in your fancy clothes, you a house nigguh (Strike 2), just like Barack Obama a house nigguh (strike 3)”
Scooter: ‘You cannot talk to me like that’
Jimmy: “What you gonna do?”
Scooter: (In my most calm and deliberate voice) “ I will fuck you up”
At this point the gentleman next to me who had already (pre-JImmy’s entrance) mentioned he was a cop in Boston, looked me dead in the face.
Jimmy: “You aint shit, and you aint gonna do shit”
Scooter: (Looking square in the eye) ‘Believe what you like’
Jimmy: “Why you looking at me like that?”
At this point Jimmy steps toward me (as much as he can), and I look him from head to toe in the slowest ‘I am not scared of your punk ass’ sort of way
Scooter: ‘Oh, I am just looking’
Jimmy: “I will kick your ass right here in this train”
Now people are getting more uncomfortable. Women clutching purses, moving children, etc.
Scooter: ‘No, we are not fighting on the train, but you van meet me outside the station’
Jimmy: “You scared to fight me, see you aint shit you a house nigguh (Strike 3 PLUS)”
Scooter: ‘Look..I got it. You think I am a house nigguh, like Barack Obama, I got it; and you think you can whoop my ass, I got it. But you will not get to do shit on this train for two reasons. #1 - I don’t want to beat your ass in your house and #2 it is crowded in here and I don’t want to scuff my shoes.”
At this point the train all but erupts into laughter and ‘Jimmy’ looks incredibly deflated.
Jimmy: “You know what? Fuck you. I will kick your ass.”
Scooter: ‘You just might, but you wont do it on the Uptown 3, I am not losing my train privileges over your bullshit. I need to “Get my way with MTA”.
Those of you who have not lived in NYC do not know that used to be the tag line for the NYC Subway and Bus System, again there is laughter on the train.
Jimmy: (no response)
Scooter: ‘I am getting off at 42nd street. I can meet you outside the station’
Well, 42nd Street came and I got off and Jimmy, well, Jimmy kept his punk ass on the train. Which goes to prove my theory “big talk = small walk” -- the more shit you talk the less you can do. Don’t fear the loud mouth, fear the quiet man in the corner.
Now had he gotten off, I would have beat his ass. Trust me. I am an environmental fighter. I will hit you with whatever is close or use whatever is close to give you a beat down. Just saying.
Two things in life that I love (not the only 2 but 2) are the NYC Subway and the feeling you get after you open up a fresh can of whoop ass on someone. So, why not combine them both? I mean you would think that would just make my damn day, right? Well, maybe.
I left a clients office today at precisely 4:30PM and I (rather than taking the car service) hopped on the Uptown 3 Express train at the Wall Street Station. Folks, I hate the Wall Street Station; the platform is skinny and small I always feel like I can fall off into the rat laden abyss that is the NYC Subway rail.
I get on the first train and it is packed like the Bush’s belongings at the White house. I had to squeeze in and be careful not to harm “the shoe”. As you all know I believe a shoe is the quickest way to measure a man, so I take pains to remind myself that “it is all about the shoe”.
That said I tried to commandeer enough space to protect the Billy Reid’s, but as we moved along the line the train got more and more packed I lost my faith in keeping the boy’s unscuffed. Anyway, the reason people take an express train is, well to get ‘there’ fast; it is also a way to avoid the riff raff, so I thought.
As we zoomed through the tunnel I was rocked in the pure bliss of the silver bullet that is the Uptown 3. Then we got to the 14th Street station and it all went to shit. All I heard was “EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! Someone needs to give up their seat so the handicapped person behind me can sit down.” The message came from an obviously mentally disturbed and likely homeless person who, as it were, was talking about his ‘imaginary’ friend “Jimmy”, he again said “One of you muthafuckahs needs to get up because Jimmy needs to sit down!” No one moved. He continues to blab and blab finishing with “New Yorkers ain’t shit, no one will give up their chair, Jimmy is going to get mad” at that point I looked up at him. As our eyes met, he says to me “You look like a politician, are you a politician?”, I smiled. He then sticks his hand out for me to give him a ‘hand bump’...now I don’t really like touching people I know let alone a homeless man on a NYC Subway train....so I never raised my hand and rather just looked him in his eye and said “I’m good..” Well who knew that would set off a powder keg.
Jimmy (as we will call him now) immediately flips out. The following dialogue happened on the Uptown 3 between me and Jimmy:
Jimmy: “You too good to touch me?”
Scooter: (no response)
Jimmy: “You heard me, nigguh (Strike 1), you too good to touch me”
Now, this is where we enter the ‘STRIKE ZONE’, the zone at which you have 3 times to strike this match before the starts to burn. Let me also state that as I have gotten older the use of the ‘n’ word has bothered me less and less, because at the end of the day, I know they are not talking about me; because you OBVIOUSLY don’t know me if you are calling me that, because you will get scrubbed.
Scooter: (no response)
Jimmy: “You aint shit, look at you in your fancy clothes, you a house nigguh (Strike 2), just like Barack Obama a house nigguh (strike 3)”
Scooter: ‘You cannot talk to me like that’
Jimmy: “What you gonna do?”
Scooter: (In my most calm and deliberate voice) “ I will fuck you up”
At this point the gentleman next to me who had already (pre-JImmy’s entrance) mentioned he was a cop in Boston, looked me dead in the face.
Jimmy: “You aint shit, and you aint gonna do shit”
Scooter: (Looking square in the eye) ‘Believe what you like’
Jimmy: “Why you looking at me like that?”
At this point Jimmy steps toward me (as much as he can), and I look him from head to toe in the slowest ‘I am not scared of your punk ass’ sort of way
Scooter: ‘Oh, I am just looking’
Jimmy: “I will kick your ass right here in this train”
Now people are getting more uncomfortable. Women clutching purses, moving children, etc.
Scooter: ‘No, we are not fighting on the train, but you van meet me outside the station’
Jimmy: “You scared to fight me, see you aint shit you a house nigguh (Strike 3 PLUS)”
Scooter: ‘Look..I got it. You think I am a house nigguh, like Barack Obama, I got it; and you think you can whoop my ass, I got it. But you will not get to do shit on this train for two reasons. #1 - I don’t want to beat your ass in your house and #2 it is crowded in here and I don’t want to scuff my shoes.”
At this point the train all but erupts into laughter and ‘Jimmy’ looks incredibly deflated.
Jimmy: “You know what? Fuck you. I will kick your ass.”
Scooter: ‘You just might, but you wont do it on the Uptown 3, I am not losing my train privileges over your bullshit. I need to “Get my way with MTA”.
Those of you who have not lived in NYC do not know that used to be the tag line for the NYC Subway and Bus System, again there is laughter on the train.
Jimmy: (no response)
Scooter: ‘I am getting off at 42nd street. I can meet you outside the station’
Well, 42nd Street came and I got off and Jimmy, well, Jimmy kept his punk ass on the train. Which goes to prove my theory “big talk = small walk” -- the more shit you talk the less you can do. Don’t fear the loud mouth, fear the quiet man in the corner.
Now had he gotten off, I would have beat his ass. Trust me. I am an environmental fighter. I will hit you with whatever is close or use whatever is close to give you a beat down. Just saying.
