I have a very eclectic musical taste which most people who know me know includes hair bands, gangta rap, ballads, blues, and gospel.I think music is a good thing.When I am driving home I typically drive with my windows down and music blasting, usually singing along.So on Friday as I was driving home I was blasting my music as usual not really paying attention to what was playing but singing along.
Now I love 80s hair band music, if it is Journey, Poison, anyone like that it is me.But my iPod shuffled up some Ambrosia.It was a hot filthy mess.Me driving Big Blue down the road blasting “How Much I Feel”, which all in all is not that bad, but at Arlington Blvd and Glebe Road I was at the stop light and a little too into it at the 2:20 mark on the song I really got into it as I looked over and notice the Ethiopian cab driver was just staring at me like he was amazed.Maybe you do not think this is a big deal, but here is the song, so imaginefor yourself my black ass singing this...
I think we all need to learn about a few things today the sigh and the pause.These are things that I have naturally employed for years, they operate as a simple warning mechanism.A warning that you are messing with a ticking time bomb, by the time I sigh, pause, AND look you up and down, it is over.
A sigh usually precedes a noun (or a pronoun) that is immediately followed by a pause then an action statement.
Ex #1:
In an argument… (we will use the last life lesson ((calling a black woman a bitch))
Foolish man:“Shut up, bitch!!”
Sistah:“What you say?!?”
Foolish man:“You heard me, BITCH!!”--- this is where it gets tangled up and is really almost a lesson in itself, when you call a woman a bitch, and she asks you what you said, you have only one chance to right this wrong, DO NOT REPEAT the word bitch, you will die.Trust me ---
Sistah:“I know you did not call me a BITCH, TWICE?!?”
--NOW IT ALL GOES AWRY –
Sistah:“(SIGH) You (PAUSE) need to (there was your actionstatement) get the fuck out of my face (and because you called her a bitch twice she will give you her action statement) before I slice your bitch ass”
What is integral here is that you understand the nature of the ‘Sigh, Pause, Action Statement, followed by her Action Statement/Threat’; the only important part is the threat because it is not to be taken lightly.Women are different than men in their emotions, when they say they will cut you, trust me there is a razor hidden under that track of weave.
For a perfect example of this you need to listed to the attached YouTube clip .... around the 1:18 mark you hear a great pause,the action statement comes around the 1:45 mark. The kicker is around the 2:49 mark where she sighs, tells him what to do and what the consequence will be. PERFECT example, a perfect "10". Take note of this she starts off REAL nice until you get into her wallet, once you get into a sistahs wallet and start asking for more money, oh it is over.
Now, let’s say you do not have an established relationship with the person and you say something crazy to them.We’ll say you say something to a gay man.
Ex #2:
In a discussion…
Foolish man:“ Yes ma’am I understand I can help you.”
Gay man:“I am not a ma’am I am a sir.”
Foolish man:“I am sorry sir, that will not happen again.Ok ma’am I have your order as…”
Gay man:“I just told you I was a sir, do not call me ma’am”
Foolish man:“Again I am so sorry sir. We have everything we need ma’am and we will..”
Gay man:“(Sigh) LOOK (PAUSE) I just told you that I am a sir (SECOND PAUSE) you have zero more times to call me ma’am so (ACTION STATEMENT) you need to get it together.”
Notice the distinct difference betwixt the two.The woman, a categorically undeniable threat, the gay man a veiled bullshit threat after which all that will happen is he will has to talk to your manager.Lesson here … a gay man is not going to fight you.He is not going to do a damn thing.He will just tussle around flapping his gums and nothing will happen.So note to self… that Drag Queen yelling at you in the bar all that bitch can do is call some busted ass security to haul you out.She is not going to fight because you might snatch her duct tape.
Trust me … unlike me most gays don’t like to fight.
Now this other YouTube is with gay men and a REAL sistah, she is not having it, there are a number of occassions where she sighs and pauses, but she does not let down. Why? Because there is not a gay man on earth that can kick a scorned woman's ass. PERIOD.
Enjoy...
This is the secret to the above call. You can tell by the way she answered teh phone that she is not in a playing mood. She did not recognize the number and she is not having it. At 1:17 when he makes his threat, the whole tone changes, at that point she is ready to fight. Aside from her wierd scream laugh she is serious.
You should not toy with the Sigh and the Pause because while it may be employed in similar fashion across the country the length of time before a real negative response may vary depending on where you are. A Bronx sigh and pause is nothing like a northern Virginia sigh and pause.TRUST ME!
Understanding the sigh and the pause are integral to your livelihood if they are followed with the look up and down, well that just means you are “done”.Which is typically what I do to people, sigh, pause, look them up, look them down, then walk away.Most of you have seen me do it.
Hey... I know it has been a minute and I know a lot of you want to hear about my trip and you will but there are some things that take precedent... Like this...
Incisors
Teeth are very important in fact they are second only to skin in my book.I would rather be blind and possibly deaf than to be missing my teeth or have a grill that is surprisingly jacked up.So when an associate of mine lost his incisors I did not think too much of it, I mean we have 1st world dentistry here in the United States.
Let me set the scene, he fell coming out of a gay bar and there was blood everywhere.One piece of advice to those of you who go out with me; you get sloppy drunk and injure yourself, you are alone.I will be supply you with an ambulance and then send you on your way.What I will not do is be interviewed by the Police (proper nouned that shit) or the Press, because I am not trying to be in anyone’s public record dealing with a drunk mess.
All that taken into account.This drunk mess I know fell down the stairs and hit his face on the stair rail.He was so drunk he walked home and did not go to the hospital until he noticed his 2 front choppers were dangly jangly in his mouth when he looked in the mirror.This is when I noticed he had suspect friends; I mean I establish my rules up front, I will make sure you get medical attention beyond that no real promises, his friends on the other hand told him oh it is not that bad.Where the hell are they from, West Virginia?
Well, it is that bad… trust me he looks a slap FOOL.He looks like he just washed ashore from the LOST island or something.Just two front teeth absent.JUST GONE!!! Now here is the kicker, this happened about 6 weeks ago. Reread that – 6 WEEKS!!! Remember that 1st World Dental Care I spoke of.Well in typical ‘run of the mill’ fucked up priority gay priority fashion he decided it was more important to go to some gay event in San Fran than to get his grille fixed.Even better he has a temporary bridge that he refuses to wear because it is uncomfortable. ---- NEWS FLASH!!! ----It cannot be any more uncomfortable than being able to see your tonsils when your mouth is closed, trust me.It cannot be more uncomfy than looking at your mouth.Now, those of you who are gay, and even those of you who are not, I need you to weigh this for a moment…. You are not going to go out and fish with paper anymore than you are going to go to a bar and try to catch some “cookie” with no front teeth.More to the point, why in the hell are you going to be mad when people think you are on drugs?You would have to be to come out looking like THIS!!!!
See, now that is a “hot FUCKING SHITTY PISS IN YOUR PANTS kinda mess”.That is when you were not raised right, who does that shit?Not me and if you are my friend and I catch you outside with your mouth looking like a bowling split, I will shoot you. Shoot you dead, it is worth prison when in the end someone will say, isn’t that Scooter’s friend; which is the exact reason I try to make sure everyone I know looks alright…JUST MESS!!
In a nutshell, new music is not shit. For whatever reason I cannot focus on work today J So I was just perusing YouTube and I came across of Miss Tina Turner WORKING IT !!! They just don’t do shit like that anymore. Now there are definitely people who can work it. I mean Beyonce is nice, Mary J can work, but none of them do it like Tina. Tina Turner works that shit for 8 straight minutes in Proud Mary. It is not so much the time that is the factor. It is the fact that she is singing, dancing, and most importantly keeping her wig on the whole damn time. I wanna see Rihanna do that shit.
I wanna see any of these trifling hoes do what Tina did. (Yes, I called them trifling hoes, that does not make me Don Imus) Tina was working so damn hard because she never knew when Ike was going to kill her ass. She danced the last dance EVERY night, and every night she worked that shit like the 3rd shift at Denny’s.
Now, I have to bring this up; one of my best girlfriends and her beau went to a wedding this past weekend. At the wedding there was entertainment, superstar entertainment. None other than Bobby Brown’s vocal coach. Stop and reread that shit. It makes you want to do drugs doesn’t it? Who in the hell hired this raggedy shit? Bobby Brown’s vocal coach? I never knew the muthafuckah had one. Muthafuckah for WHAT? Muthafuckah WHY?
I mean how does he introduce himself? “Hi I am Limpie McDickins, I was Bobby Brown’s vocal coach, but now I do weddings” Let me ask the audience is that a step up or a step down? I am not sure. More than that, saying you are Bobby Brown’s vocal coach is like saying you are Amy Winehouse’s Narcotics Anonymous sponsor; in other words you ‘aint done shit’ and that shit is just not cute. PERIOD.
Enjoy Miss Tina... that wig bitch!! WHAT!!!???!!!
Hygeine…
You need to shower before you roll back up in here…
Some people need to go get re-raised by my grandmother. My grandmother is the single reason I am so ashy today. My skin is so dry it doubles for the desert in feature films. She would make me shower when I thought about dirt, then after all that I had to take a bath before bed. All-in-all there were about 3-4 water sessions a day.
That said there are people who workout at lunch and do not shower before they come back. Just so you know… that is NASTY as hell. Period. No debate. You should not work out if you cannot bathe. That makes you a nasty hoe. No one wants to smell gym sweat in the middle of a damn meeting. That’s all..
The Ugly Bitch…
I am not one to follow pop culture but I love to see trash come up. For example Miss Britney Spears, ”Hottie” from Flavor of Love, and Shania Twain. Now I hope you all have heard about Shania’s man getting stolen by her best friend for many years. The problem for me was the Shania did not see it coming. The friend is ugly, that should have been the warning sign.
Here is the thing, straight girls heed this shit like a Tampax Pearl. You don’t need to worry about your best friend or your “hot” friend you need to worry about that ugly friend. That is the dangerous bitch in the crowd. Trust that bitch will be the Delilah to your man’s Sampson.
“Why watch for the ugly bitch?”, Five easy words…. SHE HAS NOTHING TO LOSE… An ugly homely bitch is ugly and homely and she know’s she is ugly and homely, so watch that hoe like you watch a skin rash because trust me she will spread her legs as fast as that rash will spread across your back.
--- DON’T BELIVE THE HYPE ----
Women are more shady than men. TRUST ME!!! I have cavorted with more partially or fully committed women than Wilt Chamberlain (and I am GAY!!). They are shady!! But their shade is often secret shade because women can keep a damn secret, men—you see men have to brag it is part of the male ego. Women, not so much. They just need the kitty to be pet occasionally and they are set.
So ladies take heed. That ugly friend you have that is tight with you and your man… spray that bitch with Deep Woods Off and give her an umbrella to let her know that you are aware of the shade she brings with her.
There is no such thing as big boned. Pause and re-read that. I went to the BODIES exhibit 4 times and I noticed that all the skeletons were the same approximate size, none were the aforementioned, big-boned. Big-boned is some shit a teacher made up in the teacher’s lounge one day so that they would not have children with a complex. Remember that. Big –boned means you have big meat on you bones….
Within the last few days I have bore witness people with the advanced stages of “big-bonedness”, to wit I decided I must write about it. The first we will call Big Shirley. Now “who is Big Shirley?” you may ask. She is your run of the mill, man-like dyke who probably works at Jiffy Lube and gets her hair cut at her friend’s house or the men’s barber shop; either way it is a men’s haircut. The tell-tale sign of a “Big Shirley” is she is a big woman, she is the “Huge Bitch” that is referred to in the Rob Schneider movies. More often than not she wears clothes that likely come from the men’s big and tall section at your local JC Penney or something like that.
Now Big Shirley is what some say is “big for nothing”, I mean, she is just large. But at first glance you have to wonder “is that a man?” We all have seen a ‘Big Shirley’ and some of us know a ‘Big Shirley’. More importantly we know, ‘don’t piss that bit bitch off… she will go to her trunk on you…” Just beware.
Let it be said that we all suffer from something, but some larger gay men suffer from what I like to call the “too tights”. The “too-tights” is a malady that befalls us all but tragically sticks with large gay men disproportionately. When you gain 15 pounds and don’t buy new clothes then you will likely manifest the “too tights”. Now, a fair explanation of the “too tights” is, when you can see the belly button cavern. The shirt is then “too tight”. Just because your waist was a 28” when you were 21, does not mean you need to slither into that shit at 25 when you wear a 34” waist.
I am not hating, I gain and lose with the best of them, I just try hard to dress appropriately. That said, if you can see your belly button in the mirror – AND YOU HAVE ON YOUR SHIRT – that shit is too tight; I don’t care what designer it is. Get real, and get some new clothes.
-Note to the audience, just because it is designer does not mean it makes you look thin. If your shirt says Prada but the paint on the letters is spreading because the shit it too tight, put it away. If your Burberry plaid looks like a checkerboard because the cross-hatching is so far apart, put it away. When your big pony polo shirt looks like a child riding a mouse, put it away. When your clothes are so tight they are giving people an asthma attack looking at them, put them away.
So back to the “too tights” if you need to tug on it, don’t wear it. If your gut hangs out of it, don’t wear it. It is simple really. Try the belly button test. And enjoy the 2 examples provided: Big Shirley and Captain Too Tight.
Hey, I am Scooter I am your host for this daily cruise. All you get is entertainment, no food, no drink, it is like flying on American Airlines only less attitude and a better looking host.
