There is no such thing as big boned. Pause and re-read that. I went to the BODIES exhibit 4 times and I noticed that all the skeletons were the same approximate size, none were the aforementioned, big-boned. Big-boned is some shit a teacher made up in the teacher’s lounge one day so that they would not have children with a complex. Remember that. Big –boned means you have big meat on you bones….
Within the last few days I have bore witness people with the advanced stages of “big-bonedness”, to wit I decided I must write about it. The first we will call Big Shirley. Now “who is Big Shirley?” you may ask. She is your run of the mill, man-like dyke who probably works at Jiffy Lube and gets her hair cut at her friend’s house or the men’s barber shop; either way it is a men’s haircut. The tell-tale sign of a “Big Shirley” is she is a big woman, she is the “Huge Bitch” that is referred to in the Rob Schneider movies. More often than not she wears clothes that likely come from the men’s big and tall section at your local JC Penney or something like that.
Now Big Shirley is what some say is “big for nothing”, I mean, she is just large. But at first glance you have to wonder “is that a man?” We all have seen a ‘Big Shirley’ and some of us know a ‘Big Shirley’. More importantly we know, ‘don’t piss that bit bitch off… she will go to her trunk on you…” Just beware.
Let it be said that we all suffer from something, but some larger gay men suffer from what I like to call the “too tights”. The “too-tights” is a malady that befalls us all but tragically sticks with large gay men disproportionately. When you gain 15 pounds and don’t buy new clothes then you will likely manifest the “too tights”. Now, a fair explanation of the “too tights” is, when you can see the belly button cavern. The shirt is then “too tight”. Just because your waist was a 28” when you were 21, does not mean you need to slither into that shit at 25 when you wear a 34” waist.
I am not hating, I gain and lose with the best of them, I just try hard to dress appropriately. That said, if you can see your belly button in the mirror – AND YOU HAVE ON YOUR SHIRT – that shit is too tight; I don’t care what designer it is. Get real, and get some new clothes.
-Note to the audience, just because it is designer does not mean it makes you look thin. If your shirt says Prada but the paint on the letters is spreading because the shit it too tight, put it away. If your Burberry plaid looks like a checkerboard because the cross-hatching is so far apart, put it away. When your big pony polo shirt looks like a child riding a mouse, put it away. When your clothes are so tight they are giving people an asthma attack looking at them, put them away.
So back to the “too tights” if you need to tug on it, don’t wear it. If your gut hangs out of it, don’t wear it. It is simple really. Try the belly button test. And enjoy the 2 examples provided: Big Shirley and Captain Too Tight.
Within the last few days I have bore witness people with the advanced stages of “big-bonedness”, to wit I decided I must write about it. The first we will call Big Shirley. Now “who is Big Shirley?” you may ask. She is your run of the mill, man-like dyke who probably works at Jiffy Lube and gets her hair cut at her friend’s house or the men’s barber shop; either way it is a men’s haircut. The tell-tale sign of a “Big Shirley” is she is a big woman, she is the “Huge Bitch” that is referred to in the Rob Schneider movies. More often than not she wears clothes that likely come from the men’s big and tall section at your local JC Penney or something like that.
Now Big Shirley is what some say is “big for nothing”, I mean, she is just large. But at first glance you have to wonder “is that a man?” We all have seen a ‘Big Shirley’ and some of us know a ‘Big Shirley’. More importantly we know, ‘don’t piss that bit bitch off… she will go to her trunk on you…” Just beware.
Let it be said that we all suffer from something, but some larger gay men suffer from what I like to call the “too tights”. The “too-tights” is a malady that befalls us all but tragically sticks with large gay men disproportionately. When you gain 15 pounds and don’t buy new clothes then you will likely manifest the “too tights”. Now, a fair explanation of the “too tights” is, when you can see the belly button cavern. The shirt is then “too tight”. Just because your waist was a 28” when you were 21, does not mean you need to slither into that shit at 25 when you wear a 34” waist.
I am not hating, I gain and lose with the best of them, I just try hard to dress appropriately. That said, if you can see your belly button in the mirror – AND YOU HAVE ON YOUR SHIRT – that shit is too tight; I don’t care what designer it is. Get real, and get some new clothes.
-Note to the audience, just because it is designer does not mean it makes you look thin. If your shirt says Prada but the paint on the letters is spreading because the shit it too tight, put it away. If your Burberry plaid looks like a checkerboard because the cross-hatching is so far apart, put it away. When your big pony polo shirt looks like a child riding a mouse, put it away. When your clothes are so tight they are giving people an asthma attack looking at them, put them away.
So back to the “too tights” if you need to tug on it, don’t wear it. If your gut hangs out of it, don’t wear it. It is simple really. Try the belly button test. And enjoy the 2 examples provided: Big Shirley and Captain Too Tight.
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