Blast From the Past --- Vol.2 -- Bad Kidz and Trent Lott....

This was written in like December of 2002.


Context: Trent Lott said Strom Thurmond would have made a great President and ….

But this shit is still funny…. Enjoy…

howdy folks,

it is always good to write to my friends and give them a tiny bit of a reason to laugh during their day. Today's note will focus on a few things: bad ass kids and Trent Lott.
Bad Ass Kids

SO I was asked to volunteer the other day with some underprivileged kids here in the DFW Metroplex. I was warned that they may be a little rowdy, rambunctious, and so on but I was not really too alarmed because the people who ask me to come are all rather old so I figured that if they can handle them I know I will have no problem. SO, with this mindset I pull up to the Martin Luther King Cultural Center, in Dallas and I go in register and think that I am going to just have fun time sitting with the group, OH NAW, not for Kevin Ward. I guess they saw what they thought was a spry healthy young gentleman who wanted to chase kids all day, FUH WHAT? I go into the art room, where kids are running wild, wild and free like animals on the damn Serengeti, it was pitiful. The teacher is sitting there just looking and trying to gain control, of course I was surveying the land, you know … looking for weapons and such.

Now I would have never known that I would be in the room with 5 year old celebrities (but I was) I mean there was one child in there that had more weave than should be humanly allowed, and she was 5, I called her Tweet, we had a Missy Elliot (you know a heavier than normal girl whom you will always question whether she really likes men when she gets older), a Jay-Z (damn boy look just like a turtle), and a few other stars including but not limited to Da Brat and Shakira ( you know the Messicans everywhere) (yeah I know Shakira aint messican)). Anyway judging by the way they all were dressed they had just left either the Billboard Music or the Source Awards whichever is more tacky.

To move on, so I am still in my state of, "what the hell?" and "why is the teacher not regulating?" The teacher, a 23 y/o Austin College grad (white) looked like she had been in a street fight, so I was not trying to push her too much instead, I just asked what I needed to do. She asked if I could "corral" the kids at the tables so class could start. I was like "corral" I am mad that they are a bunch of animals to her too, but ok. So I am like ok everyone sit down, and they all just keep on their little path to destruction. My thought was … "well ok", what else can I try that wont land me in jail? So I looked at the teacher again, for some reason I really think that she was praying but I passed it off as her being crazy, and I kept trying to get the kids to sit. Five minutes into it I was spent, I was running out of games to try and attempt to play the "who is sitting quietly? game". So I just whistled really loud, they all stopped moving and then I said everyone needs to sit down NOW!! Thinking I had done something I turned around to walk up to the front of the room, and when I turned back, they were all just standing there, stoic and scary. Like the Children of the Corn. Then, the one that I will call Missy E, looks to Jay Z and is like, "who the f*ck is this fool", I mean to the point that she straight up pointed at me like I was a damn side show or something. So I just stood my ground like they tell you to do when you confront animals in the wild. SHOW NO FEAR!

Now I will not lie those little bastards had me scared for a minute. I mean they did not sit down immediately, they kind of just stood there, like hoodlums, some with arms crossed, some with hands on hips, others with hand on their heads, while others were walking around talking to each other like little gangstas even with little limps and shit, talking about "I don’t know him, you know him?", "who is he". Then comes the signal, Missy E sighs and goes to a seat and they all fall in line within 5 seconds.

So it did not take a long time for me to realize that Missy E was the damn ring leader. Satisfy her and I have it made. So I thought…. After that Ms. Lisa starts her lesson, and I kind of go by the tables to observe and help as needed. Now don't get me wrong these kids were smart, too damn smart, they were just BAD!! Now at least one kid at each table would give me what I will call the L.O.D (thank you Stephannie for the V.O.D similarity), the L.O.D. would be the look of death, a look like, don’t let me catch you with your back turned, or out at your car. So no sooner than it started was the lesson over and Ms. Lisa (the teacher) was back behind her desk (I really think she was praying) sitting with a distant look in her eyes and mouthing words.

No sooner did she finish than did the group hop up, and got right back to acting 'a monkey' (as granny says). So I whistled again and told everyone to sit, I heard then a chuckle (from Ms. Lisa) I guess she knew something I did not. The kids stopped looked at me, and Tweet said just like this, ' uh Mistah, this is our free time, we don’t have to sit', now I come from a camp where if you are 5 and you talk back to anyone above 18 like that you get popped in your mouth. But I was cool, and I was like oh ok, free time. Free time for me to regulate. They were cussing each other hitting each other and everything. Now I am not going to lie, I am used to kids in the suburbs, you know they like to climb up on me and wrestle me and stuff, so I was like you all cannot fight, but who can knock me down?

Being the idiot I am, the next thing I know, oh the bastards circled me like I was wild prey and shit. I was down for the count in about three seconds, screaming' like a bitch. Jay-Z played the fool and hit me with a hammer (plastic), I told him I was going to beat his ass, and he said to me, ‘my daddy will shoot you’, I then looked to Ms. Lisa ( same distant look mouthing the same prayer). I very quickly told Jay - Z I was just kidding for fear his daddy would kill me and if not that Shakira's pops would stab me. I finally staggered to my feet and told Ms. Lisa to "Peace Out" b/c I was gone. I went to the volunteer office and told them to "Call me when they get guards because this is some bullshit.”


Trent Lott

Now c'mon, raise your hand if you were really surprised by what Trent said? I wasn't, I mean I personally thought very highly of Trent Lott and think that he is a great politician but I was not surprised. I mean I did not gasp at the shit, for some reason white folks are all in a hubbub about it. I mean damn the man is from MISSISSIPPI, that is spelled “I-LIKE-SEGREGATION-I-S-S-I-P-P-I” and if you are from the ghetto or ever played double dutch that is M-I-Crooked Letter-Crooked Letter-I-Crooked Letter- Crooked Letter-I-Hump Back-Hump Back-I. Just to ease the confusion.

But in all honesty, when was the last time you saw a happy black person in MS? I have been too many times to count, everybody is angry, for a minute I thought Tavis Smiley was from there. J/K I don't want Tavis after me, he is ANGRY!! No for real. I was saddened that T. Lott said what he said and then had the nerve to go on BET. Muthah Fuckah Fuh WHAT? Muthah Fuckah WHY? Trent we know you from MS, we know you did not know any black folks in school, but I cannot remember when (before that interview)you supported affirmative action? When? Tell me Trent!! Sorry let me get off that soap box.

Know this, a few of my favorite people in government are Condi Rice and Colin Powell (I was delusional in 2002), both are just tremendous folks. Now I also like Kennedy, Rummy (Rumsfeld), and some others but they dont fit into this argument. Now today in the NY Times there is a quote from, C. Powell saying that he was not happy with what Lott said but thinks he is "sincere" in his apology. I too think that he is sincere too, I mean shit black folks run DC from the streets of the city to the kitchen of the Capitol they are in there at all levels too, the point is Trent knew he had to survive in that city. Secret Service might protect you against a terrorist or two, but let two 'bruhs from SE come up at you Trent, you will be feeling "all the trouble we are in now" when they swing some jacks (even in 2002) at yo ass.

As ignorant as that may sound, think about it really, why is he really apologizing? Why is he on BET? Because he is scared, not of getting whooped but of losing face, and losing power, in my opinion that is it. I digress, back to Colin Powell and Ms. Rice, you see Powell talks the way I talk when I don’t like someone, in polite indignation that you have to really be able to see through. C. Powell is from the GHETTO… HARLEM, I mean he was not taking to Trent Lott lightly from the onset of this whole mess.

Now Powell said this :

"I was disappointed in the senator's statement; I deplored the sentiments behind the statement," Mr. Powell said at a State Department briefing with the Danish foreign minister. "There was nothing about the 1948 election or the Dixiecrat agenda that should have been acceptable in any way to any American at that time or any American now."

But since he is a politician and cannot talk the way he would if was in Harlem with his boys I will translate for you all. Bear in mind any reference to this translation will be vehemently denied with or without proof.

What he was really saying was:

"Trent Lott better be glad I was not up in that Party, what the hell the Dixiecrats know and who the hell cares about Mississippi and what they do. Shit all you can get there anyway is good cotton and pig feet. All I gotta say to Trent Lott is this: "Yo ‘T’, say something else crazy, majority leader or not, Me and Condi will whoop yo ass, PERIOD." " -- translation with a few additions done by Kevin Ward

LATER>>>> >

I hope everyone’s Chanukah was as good as mine. BTW- My new yamulka is TIGHT, it is leather with a Louis Vuitton Monogram.


kevin "scooter" ward