Liza with a "Z"....

Last week I had the blessing (yes I said blessing) of seeing Miss Liza Minelli perform at Bass Hall in Ft. Worth, TX. It was everything I thought it would be and then some. Miss Liza ended every song with arms outstretched holding the mic in one hand the other pointed down towards the floor. I found out while in attendance at the concert that Liza automatically makes you middle-aged and gay. It is like something in the air. Gay men immediately have a yearning for patterned sweaters, khakis, and Merrell shoes.

Liza taught me a few things #1 don’t start smoking because you cannot finish a song, #2 thank the gayest man I know when I get a hip replacement, and #3 make sure no matter how much I sweat that my make-up never runs – after all I am a DIVA, right? I mean I am not a DIVA but Miss Liza most definitely is.

Miss Liza spun, jumped, twisted, kicked all in between gasps for air; and all without an intermission, I mean I was tired for this old hag. But she did it and she did it with fervor. Liza knows this secret a secret I will let my desperately single women know. Here it is: when you cannot marry them, surround yourself with them. Ladies, that is GAY MEN!! If you are a desperately single woman, surround yourself with (don’t marry) gay men. That is what keeps you looking good.

We all have those times where we sneak away from out “good” friends thinking we can be made better by new friends. WRONG!! That is the mistake that Liza made, she left the gays and was in hiding for years. Then what happens, we see her in 2001 at the Michael Jackson concert and before a worldwide audience she comes out looking like Treasure Troll. Liza looked like she had just come from a funeral march and had hat hair, FOLLISHNESS!! But alas, what happened? It took a gay to save the day.

David Gest flew in on his chiffon rug and took her off to be fixed up like only a fairy like him could do. Next thing you know we have new Liza. New hip, new knee- bitch is like Will Smith in iRobot, all new. Of course the marriage was short lived because David Gest is GAY AS HELL and I cannot imagine sex with Liza is all that great, her ovaries are tombstones and her breasts look like hot water bottles.

Now quick education. David Gest is just gay. He is so gay that show tunes play when he walks. They just come from the heavens. Just song. Now apparently the marriage fizzled because Liza would whoop up on David. All I have to say to that is, WHAT?!? She has a fake knee and a fake hip… I would run that bitch around the house until a screw fell loose, but I guarantee she would not beat my ass. Trust me on that. So alas Liza is alone again. But not really. She travels with 4 gays who are in her show, so she looks altogether grand. But just grand in the face, her outfits look like dressed up jazzercise costumes that she put on in the dark. She had on this lycra-esque pantsuit wreck with sequins at the bottom with a matching shirt jacket combo that all looked like a casual corner disaster waiting to happen. The sad part is she had that shit made. Now, when you have ugly shit made you are just flat beyond repair.

The sad part is I am scared that I would become a gay man’s biggest fear. Old and fat, why? Because that is all that was there. Old and fat, oh yeah and gay.

So what is the lesson for today? Have gay friends because they will let you know things like the following:
· Empire waists are bad (on everyone)
· Lane Bryant is a cruel cruel friend
· Heels always make women’s legs look better. PERIOD.
· Gay people don’t all know one another