No Condition... H to the Izzo... What's the 411?

Allow me to reintroduce myself ….

Roc Boys in the building tonight … and they are ghetto as hell, and my girl MJB she needs to stop shopping on Fulton St.

So I wiggled my way into the Jay – Z/Mary J Blige after-party last night. You know it is so true that you can take the people out of the hood but you cannot take the hood out of the people. My boy S.K. got me in at the last minute and I was pretty much made fun of all night by the likes of Miss Jones to someone who was with Ray J.

It all happened like this… The concert was last night and I was made aware that there was no way I could get a ticket where I wanted to sit, but I could have been wherever else. Those of you who know me well know, first 10 -20 or I am watching on TV, unless of course it is General Admission and I just bring it down a bit. So, at about 8PM I get the txt that I can get into the party, and every 10 minutes I get an update on where to meet or this or that. Finally I am over the Cloak and Dagger bullshit and I am like, whatever fuck it I can go to the Marcy Projects and see some fake ass Jay Z and Mary J.

Then at 10:07PM I was told to come to the Guest House on 27th, and to come around back. Now, I should tell you, I had no outfit befitting a Jay Z/ Mary J function, so I just went in my very “non-urban” outfit. I am sure the invites said dress to impress or some shit like that. I was so dressed to impress that I had on a gap polo (YELLOW), a long sleeve t (BLACK), some premium denim (don’t get it twisted), and some new balance running shoes. It sounds foolish I know but when in Long Island do as the Long Islanders do, besides I did not think I would get in. I get there I get my pass and I get looked up and down by the fat security guy, he asks me my name 3 times, laughs and gives me the pass. I then here him call S.K. and say “your friend Carlton is here” I can only assume her is talking about Carlton from Fresh Prince. I was like, ‘fuck him, he need to run a lap’.

I get into the venue and as I sift through the fog of various smoke flavors, I get to the bar and I want to order ‘1’ drink. I say ‘Makers and Coke’, she says ‘I don’t have that’, I say ‘Knob and Coke’, “we only have Champagne” she says. I was like, ‘hmmm’, she says “its free” I said “dial that shit up”. I don’t drink champagne much because it puts me in a ‘state’ and does not mix well with a contact high.

S.K. finds me rather quickly bc I stick out like a white guy in Compton. I mean these people are DECKED OUT … or as decked as you can get in the hood. It was much like a BedStuy fashion show, or a trunk show at Downtown Locker Room, I mean just hoodie-hood rat. So I am introduced to Miss Jones the NYC radio personality who I really don’t care much for but she is funny as hell. Immediately she says “oh this is Carlton??”......apparently word got out. I told her it was nice to meet her (and her weave) and I took a seat with her crew, b/c I knew there would be mess.

Outfits…

I love my people, I LOVE MY PEOPLE, did I say I LOVE MY PEOPLE?!?! But I mean really, where do we buy some of this shit. I mean yellow leather ass pants (it is 38 degrees outside and I can almost see this hoochies COOCH!!) One piece of advice, if your legs look like curdled milk, you need to let your privates live in a gated community that only opens when the lights are off.

Crackin’ on them hard…

So about 4 champagnes down, I begin to converse with the Hot 97 Mornin’ crew … Miss Jones is cracking my shit up. She says “you think I am sexy?” I said, “sexiest ever”… it got much more raunchy than that but I will spare you, but I did tell her, 'I would tap yo shit like a dance floor’ she loved it.

Lady of the Night…

Mary J needs better friends. That is all I can say.

MJB is hot, hot like a government rebate check, HOT!!! She looked great in a light blue jumpsuit with some cute jewelry (it all looked very Fulton Street, but I mean it is Mary J she is always on teh cusp of hood). She walks by and Miss Jones goes… ‘here comes her ass’ now MJB is a tiny person but her ass look like a burl on a tree. It is HUGE!! Just massive. It was a hot damn shame, but it was one of her girls that stole the show.

Apparently animal print is on the rise. Let’s just say I saw the biggest cheetah in existence. Now a cheetah has spots and this bitch was big and she had on a blue cheetah print….If I had epilepsy I would have had a petit mal seizure, the spots on her ass were hypnotic. HOT MESS!!

-- A word to MJB, don’t let a big bitch upstage you!!! You got Grammy!!!


Hoodrat of the night…

“When you need me just throw your Roc signs in the air” – blasts through the speakers and out comes HOVA… Now I am not much of a groupie for anyone but Journey, but Jay-Z is my boy, of course all the chicken heads go wild and Miss Jones (who hates Jay-Z) just turns around and says (this is the best every (if you know the Bible)) “I am gonna be like Hezekiah and turn my face towards the wall and pray that I act right”…It was hilarious. Sean Carter makes his way through the room, then proceeds to perfom “Roc Boys” live... I lost my shit and I was dancing with Miss Jones. She said “alright Carlton, you got this” ahh if she only knew. I wanted to give her a card to a dentist, her shit look like railroad ties.

Jay Z is a hoodie hood rat. He had on a full Roca outfit … just straight up Downtown Locker (yeah I know it is his company, but he is a mogul, at least wear a belt)


... and 'nem...

You all have heard the phrase -- "mama 'nem". Well I am just going to comment on the 'nem. 'Nem are the people who hang around a psuedo-celebrity but work someplace like a Verizon kiosk and just are allowed around because they are there for the fall when it all goes down. Well there were psuedo-celebs in force last night... The messiest of which was Ray J. Ray J is Brandy's hood rat ass brother who had that weak ass sex video with Kim Kardashian (actually it was pretty strong -- Go Ray J!!), anyway Ray J has an entourage of about 25 people a few of which I am sure have been on Cops. They are walking around as music is playing trying to get up to MJB and one of them looks at me and laughs (because you know my clothing did not come out of the back of a Buick on Bedford Ave). I wanted to go pop his ass, but you know how that ends up, they run to T.I.'s house come back and bust a cap in my ass... Oh well I dont work at Verizon... Fuck Ray J and 'nem


No Condition…

Needless to say I am in no condition to be in the office this morning, but I am here. And my head is heavy. I am a Black Super Hero.. That is what Hovie said…



No Condition... just wrecked ...

Bits and Pieces....

My favorite part about a doctor visit is the eery conversation you have to have with the doctor as he molests your twig and berries. So I went to a new doctor on Monday because my other one was old and kept giving me medicine that made me constipated. Yes constipated. Advair anyone? So anyway, my new doc Dr. Jahns is gay. You know, like me, gay. Of course I am gay and tremendous, he is just your run of the mill across the street gay. You know the kind, with some old run over Prada shoes and an age inappropriate shirt. This is my first homo doc, I am have had an aversion to them in the past.

So he begins by saying, “ok, go ahead and strip down to your undies.” I was like, “what is in it for me?” of course I oblige and then sit on that cold ass bench for what seems to be an eternity before he comes back. Now, I know what is coming, some weird questions about my life a cold stethoscope, and the molestation, but he comes in with a flyer; a flyer that is the definition of “hot mess”. This flyer is for a female condom. So me thinking I am funny say, “brushing up?” he looks at me and says, “did you know the trannie prostitutes off 6th street stick these up their asses?” I was speechless, but I came to and said “no, no I did not know that”. I just sat there as he continued to read, and read…. Then he describes how they do it. I will leave out the specifics but there is a string on the end of this contraption that allows it to be snatched out of the snatch (or ass as it were).

Beginning to think I was gonna get a demonstration, I said “alrighty then how about my physical?”, he shuffles along and makes me inhale, exhale, look at the light, stand up/bend over (3 times – he said it was to check for scoliosis, I was like ‘do you have to stand so close to me for that?’) , then I know it is coming, the dreaded lay up here turn your head and cough action. So I hop up and I am like, ‘ok this will be over soon’. Let me preface this by saying, I am not a fan of my bits and pieces handled by someone uninvited, so physicals are VERY uncomfy for me. Ok, so I snatch down the cover ups and he snaps the gloves and goes “hmmm” I immediately think “HMMM?!?!” what the hell does that mean? I mean I self examine all the time, maybe too much – I am sure there was nothing new on the tree. But really what is “hmmm…” mean. I was like touch-n-go doc, touch-n-go.

He touches a little too much for my liking, but it is almost over. So he finishes I snap up the cover ups, and sit up. He immediately says “be right back” and leaves the room writing feverishly. Now, I was like ‘what the f&*k, is my shit about to fall off?’. So I do what any other person would do. I stand up and start looking at the bits and pieces in the full length mirror on the door. As I approach the end of my ‘self-examination’ the door opens to an audience of homo-sensationals gathered to gaggle about something, something groundbreaking like Brit being on TV that night I am sure. But there is one problem I am standing there molesting myself (or it may look that way) and they all see me holding on to the handle. I just pulled up the cover ups and turned around. Sometimes life is just too much…

FYI… I hate long island…

Intern list....

While I do not have my own intern (I am a bit high maintenance at work), I make ready use of the "office" intern, which is essentially the one intern we took who we then realized has only mild cognitive ability but is really good at filing. People have made it a point to give him some "work" so that he feels needed, not me. None of you have ever seen me in the office, but I am a machine. I turn into a winner-take-all rabid dog. I take no mess, from no kinda man. Ask anyone who has ever worked with or for me. People who have visited me while I am working have found themselves the victim of a personality split that rivals Anne Heche.


So, back to the intern that should really live next door to me (inside joke). He really wants to be cool. REALLY, wants to be cool. In a effort to be cool, he asked me where I shopped .... my response? "A place that sells pants that touch my shoes." He is so smart he did not get it. Needless to say I dont give him real work, so he shadows this other 'tard in the office that wears flip flops EVERYDAY. (brb) --- Yep, he has them on right now ... and it is a balmy 42 degrees outside. I am waiting for the day he comes in and his toes are black from frost bite. I mean really, SNOW on the ground, NY Giants flip flops....torrential rains, NY Giants flip flops ... just odd. Again, back to the intern. Sorry, unlike Fox News I need to give context. The rule in my office is if my door is closed, or I dont look up I #1 am busy, #2 dont want to be bothered, #3 just dont like you. With respect to the intern or flip flop I do not allow either of them in my office, they are allowed to the doorway only. There have been more than one occassion where I have not looked up or better even gotten up and shut the door as they looked on wide-eyed.

I found out today that the "office intern" is assingned to me for today and tomorrow. When I am cajoled into working with someone like this kid, I become very Devil Wears Prada (imagine that). So I gave him this list for me today.

Office Intern (name hidden to protect the guilty) To Do List:

• Research the Mini Cooper Clubman S and provide me with a list of differences from my old Cooper S
• File 07 client financials (as close to real work as he gets with me)
• Schedule travel for this week and next (see calendar)
• Send flowers for the new baby
• Find me a copy of Smash Bros for Wii (impossible)
• Find another Guitar Hero Controller for Wii (even more impossible)

When you are done with this, send an email to Kate. No need to come see me, Kate has the rest of your work.

Thanks,

+kw

-- and he makes about 70k (calendarized, if that is not some bullshit!!)

Personal Trainer.....

Howdy folks!! I am starting the blogging thing again. OK, now that everyone has calmed themselves down and the applause have stopped, I will state a few ground rules>>>>>

• If you are easily offended, leave
• If you cannot take a joke, leave now
• If you cannot handle profanity, get the FUCK OUT!!
• If you take offense to the mockery of any of the following: midgets, the handicapped, people with speech impediments, the fat, the thin, the black,the white, the yellow, the brown, the young, the old, the gay, the straight, the trans, the smart, the dumb, or anyone from West Virginia, LEAVE!!!
• If you take anything in this blog personally, lets talk about it --- nothing is really that serious, I promise.

I cannot say that this will be a live blog, but I will add to it throughout the day as I can.

Day One, 8:34AM, My Office, Falls Church, VA

The bullshit all started when I rolled out of bed at 4:23AM and was out of the house at 4:37AM and on my way to meet with my new personal trainer. I get from my house to a private gym on King Street in Alexandria in 21 minutes flat (anyone who knows where I live and where I was going, knows that is a mess). I get to the gym at 4:58AM and no one is there. I was like "oh hell no", then at 5:01AM the trainer shows up. The following occurred from 5:01AM to 6:05AM

• Part One: "Hello, I'm Marcus" "Hello Marcus, my name is 'you're late', nice to meet you" Marcus, proceeds into the gym and I trail right behind him. "Hop on this treadmill and run for 5 minutes", I hop on and begin to run it out. Then I notice, that the treamill was changing and I thought "this shit just got faster, oh the incline just changed, oh damn, this shit is hard". Five minutes later Marcus comes back with a piece of paper. It looks eerily like a resume, I was like, "why is he about to give me a resume?", well it was a resume, his "professional" resume. I read it as I was traversing the rockies, then I noticed this guy was the trainer for the Redskins for the last 3 years. Needless to say I was impressed, but not as impressed as I was about to be.
• Part Two: "So the next time I am late, you will not say anything." Granted I was probably a bit of an asshole (surprised, anyone?!?), but then I was like I know Baby Einstein is not talking to me crazy (he is rather short, if I did not tell you all before). And before I could speak, he said "this will be your best workout in a year"; again I was a bit short and said "yeah ok". He then proceeded to run my black ass like I was a runaway slave. I jumped over shit, climb under shit. Pulled up, snatched down. Planked, crunched, humped (yes, humped). Ran with a sled attached and him on it (anyone seen 8 Below, I was the mean dog). All this because I talked a little shit. Needless to say, I am not accustomed to lacking control so it was an experience.
• Part Three: Vomit Comet Anyone ever run lines? How about running lines, do 20 pushups, run lines then do 20 crunches? Yeah, how about that shit? I came back and yacked all over the front of the gym. Then I was like, "what's next?" Thinking I was being coy..he said "another set" I was like, 'this short stuttering mofo...'. Oh yeah, he stutters. Not like a stutter like mine, no he has a PAUSE; like I am talking -- I stopped -- I am talking again. Like his brain is on hold in between words. So after I picked 8 bushels of cotton (at least that is what it felt like), I went and took a shower and got set to come into the office. He said "when you coming back?", I said .. 'I am easily found' ... I feel we will blossom into a full fledged relationship. I mean I will at least look him in the eyes next time.

I think I may bring a tongue depresser to help with the stutter next time.....