- If you are easily offended, leave
- If you cannot take a joke, leave now
- If you cannot handle profanity, get the FUCK OUT!!
- If you take offense to the mockery of any of the following: midgets, the handicapped, people with speech impediments, the fat, the thin, the black,the white, the yellow, the brown, the young, the old, the gay, the straight, the trans, the smart, the dumb, or anyone from West Virginia, LEAVE!!!
- If you take anything in this blog personally, lets talk about it --- nothing is really that serious, I promise.
I cannot say that this will be a live blog, but I will add to it throughout the day as I can.
Day One, 8:34AM, My Office, Falls Church, VA
The bullshit all started when I rolled out of bed at 4:23AM and was out of the house at 4:37AM and on my way to meet with my new personal trainer. I get from my house to a private gym on King Street in Alexandria in 21 minutes flat (anyone who knows where I live and where I was going, knows that is a mess). I get to the gym at 4:58AM and no one is there. I was like "oh hell no", then at 5:01AM the trainer shows up. The following occurred from 5:01AM to 6:05AM
- Part One: "Hello, I'm Marcus" "Hello Marcus, my name is 'you're late', nice to meet you" Marcus, proceeds into the gym and I trail right behind him. "Hop on this treadmill and run for 5 minutes", I hop on and begin to run it out. Then I notice, that the treamill was changing and I thought "this shit just got faster, oh the incline just changed, oh damn, this shit is hard". Five minutes later Marcus comes back with a piece of paper. It looks eerily like a resume, I was like, "why is he about to give me a resume?", well it was a resume, his "professional" resume. I read it as I was traversing the rockies, then I noticed this guy was the trainer for the Redskins for the last 3 years. Needless to say I was impressed, but not as impressed as I was about to be.
- Part Two: "So the next time I am late, you will not say anything." Granted I was probably a bit of an asshole (surprised, anyone?!?), but then I was like I know Baby Einstein is not talking to me crazy (he is rather short, if I did not tell you all before). And before I could speak, he said "this will be your best workout in a year"; again I was a bit short and said "yeah ok". He then proceeded to run my black ass like I was a runaway slave. I jumped over shit, climb under shit. Pulled up, snatched down. Planked, crunched, humped (yes, humped). Ran with a sled attached and him on it (anyone seen 8 Below, I was the mean dog). All this because I talked a little shit. Needless to say, I am not accustomed to lacking control so it was an experience.
- Part Three: Vomit Comet Anyone ever run lines? How about running lines, do 20 pushups, run lines then do 20 crunches? Yeah, how about that shit? I came back and yacked all over the front of the gym. Then I was like, "what's next?" Thinking I was being coy..he said "another set" I was like, 'this short stuttering mofo...'. Oh yeah, he stutters. Not like a stutter like mine, no he has a PAUSE; like I am talking -- I stopped -- I am talking again. Like his brain is on hold in between words. So after I picked 8 bushels of cotton (at least that is what it felt like), I went and took a shower and got set to come into the office. He said "when you coming back?", I said .. 'I am easily found' ... I feel we will blossom into a full fledged relationship. I mean I will at least look him in the eyes next time.
I think I may bring a tongue depresser to help with the stutter next time.....
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