No Condition... H to the Izzo... What's the 411?

Allow me to reintroduce myself ….

Roc Boys in the building tonight … and they are ghetto as hell, and my girl MJB she needs to stop shopping on Fulton St.

So I wiggled my way into the Jay – Z/Mary J Blige after-party last night. You know it is so true that you can take the people out of the hood but you cannot take the hood out of the people. My boy S.K. got me in at the last minute and I was pretty much made fun of all night by the likes of Miss Jones to someone who was with Ray J.

It all happened like this… The concert was last night and I was made aware that there was no way I could get a ticket where I wanted to sit, but I could have been wherever else. Those of you who know me well know, first 10 -20 or I am watching on TV, unless of course it is General Admission and I just bring it down a bit. So, at about 8PM I get the txt that I can get into the party, and every 10 minutes I get an update on where to meet or this or that. Finally I am over the Cloak and Dagger bullshit and I am like, whatever fuck it I can go to the Marcy Projects and see some fake ass Jay Z and Mary J.

Then at 10:07PM I was told to come to the Guest House on 27th, and to come around back. Now, I should tell you, I had no outfit befitting a Jay Z/ Mary J function, so I just went in my very “non-urban” outfit. I am sure the invites said dress to impress or some shit like that. I was so dressed to impress that I had on a gap polo (YELLOW), a long sleeve t (BLACK), some premium denim (don’t get it twisted), and some new balance running shoes. It sounds foolish I know but when in Long Island do as the Long Islanders do, besides I did not think I would get in. I get there I get my pass and I get looked up and down by the fat security guy, he asks me my name 3 times, laughs and gives me the pass. I then here him call S.K. and say “your friend Carlton is here” I can only assume her is talking about Carlton from Fresh Prince. I was like, ‘fuck him, he need to run a lap’.

I get into the venue and as I sift through the fog of various smoke flavors, I get to the bar and I want to order ‘1’ drink. I say ‘Makers and Coke’, she says ‘I don’t have that’, I say ‘Knob and Coke’, “we only have Champagne” she says. I was like, ‘hmmm’, she says “its free” I said “dial that shit up”. I don’t drink champagne much because it puts me in a ‘state’ and does not mix well with a contact high.

S.K. finds me rather quickly bc I stick out like a white guy in Compton. I mean these people are DECKED OUT … or as decked as you can get in the hood. It was much like a BedStuy fashion show, or a trunk show at Downtown Locker Room, I mean just hoodie-hood rat. So I am introduced to Miss Jones the NYC radio personality who I really don’t care much for but she is funny as hell. Immediately she says “oh this is Carlton??”......apparently word got out. I told her it was nice to meet her (and her weave) and I took a seat with her crew, b/c I knew there would be mess.

Outfits…

I love my people, I LOVE MY PEOPLE, did I say I LOVE MY PEOPLE?!?! But I mean really, where do we buy some of this shit. I mean yellow leather ass pants (it is 38 degrees outside and I can almost see this hoochies COOCH!!) One piece of advice, if your legs look like curdled milk, you need to let your privates live in a gated community that only opens when the lights are off.

Crackin’ on them hard…

So about 4 champagnes down, I begin to converse with the Hot 97 Mornin’ crew … Miss Jones is cracking my shit up. She says “you think I am sexy?” I said, “sexiest ever”… it got much more raunchy than that but I will spare you, but I did tell her, 'I would tap yo shit like a dance floor’ she loved it.

Lady of the Night…

Mary J needs better friends. That is all I can say.

MJB is hot, hot like a government rebate check, HOT!!! She looked great in a light blue jumpsuit with some cute jewelry (it all looked very Fulton Street, but I mean it is Mary J she is always on teh cusp of hood). She walks by and Miss Jones goes… ‘here comes her ass’ now MJB is a tiny person but her ass look like a burl on a tree. It is HUGE!! Just massive. It was a hot damn shame, but it was one of her girls that stole the show.

Apparently animal print is on the rise. Let’s just say I saw the biggest cheetah in existence. Now a cheetah has spots and this bitch was big and she had on a blue cheetah print….If I had epilepsy I would have had a petit mal seizure, the spots on her ass were hypnotic. HOT MESS!!

-- A word to MJB, don’t let a big bitch upstage you!!! You got Grammy!!!


Hoodrat of the night…

“When you need me just throw your Roc signs in the air” – blasts through the speakers and out comes HOVA… Now I am not much of a groupie for anyone but Journey, but Jay-Z is my boy, of course all the chicken heads go wild and Miss Jones (who hates Jay-Z) just turns around and says (this is the best every (if you know the Bible)) “I am gonna be like Hezekiah and turn my face towards the wall and pray that I act right”…It was hilarious. Sean Carter makes his way through the room, then proceeds to perfom “Roc Boys” live... I lost my shit and I was dancing with Miss Jones. She said “alright Carlton, you got this” ahh if she only knew. I wanted to give her a card to a dentist, her shit look like railroad ties.

Jay Z is a hoodie hood rat. He had on a full Roca outfit … just straight up Downtown Locker (yeah I know it is his company, but he is a mogul, at least wear a belt)


... and 'nem...

You all have heard the phrase -- "mama 'nem". Well I am just going to comment on the 'nem. 'Nem are the people who hang around a psuedo-celebrity but work someplace like a Verizon kiosk and just are allowed around because they are there for the fall when it all goes down. Well there were psuedo-celebs in force last night... The messiest of which was Ray J. Ray J is Brandy's hood rat ass brother who had that weak ass sex video with Kim Kardashian (actually it was pretty strong -- Go Ray J!!), anyway Ray J has an entourage of about 25 people a few of which I am sure have been on Cops. They are walking around as music is playing trying to get up to MJB and one of them looks at me and laughs (because you know my clothing did not come out of the back of a Buick on Bedford Ave). I wanted to go pop his ass, but you know how that ends up, they run to T.I.'s house come back and bust a cap in my ass... Oh well I dont work at Verizon... Fuck Ray J and 'nem


No Condition…

Needless to say I am in no condition to be in the office this morning, but I am here. And my head is heavy. I am a Black Super Hero.. That is what Hovie said…



No Condition... just wrecked ...