Tuesday ... Mess!!

Hello Friends,

It is a beautiful day in my world, you know why? Because Oprah said so, bitch. And even Jesus consults with Oprah before making great decisions. That said I want to give you all the rundown of my ‘Week in Review’(you may not get it all today, but you will get it).

Last week all started with some mess about having to travel back out to the Middle of Long Island. Now I say the middle of Long Island because there is nothing in the middle of Long Island except the smell of hair gel and cellulite. It is much like Middle Earth where Frodo and Sam Wise Gamjee lived…

Well I went along with it, well, because daddy has to work for a living.

Tuesday 4/1/08

Not much happened on Monday so roll with me here. Tuesday afternoon Super Shuttle picks me up at the house and carts me out to Dulles Airport for yet another glorious JetBlue flight to hell. For those of you who have never been to Dulles or do not know geography this is how it works. Dulles International Airport is an exercise in inefficiency, it is not close to anything, you have to ride these mechanized roaches out to your terminals, and JetBlue makes a practice of employing punk-ass bitches.

So I get to the airport at about 5:30 PM for my 7:40 flight to JFK. Jatisha (the lady who helped me) says “sir do you know your flight is delayed until 9:10PM, I said ‘well I do now’ followed by ‘what do I get for free?’, Jatisha looks up at me trying to balance between her fake nails, fake eyelashes, and fake hair she says ‘well nothing sir the delay is weather related’ I say ‘well ok my JetBlue experience (what they call it) is jacked up because you all cannot pick me up or drop me off on time, and when you do you steal my bags’; she really was not trying to care as I was all but too distracted by her eyelashes anyway.

I get to security and begin to get naked like they make you do these days. I walk through the machine that I am sure will give me an eventual brain tumor and Tim the TSA agent wants to berate me about how I left my boarding pass in the bin. “Male assist” he yells and I go into the ‘holding area’; now I try to be real cool in airports because I know they will through my black ass out on the runway and make me catch the Soul Plane. So I stand in the holding area and I see my boarding pass on the roller and I hear, again, “Male Assist”, the man who comes to ‘assist’ me is about 490 pounds and has questionable hygiene at best. You know when someone is fat, like real fat, like trip to Zoo to visit them kinda fat, those people have what I like to call – Sanitary Marks – discolored portions of skin around the neck and underarms that look like dirt. I digress. Officer Fat Ass runs me through the mill. Spread your arms, your legs, your feet, etc. then he waves the wand, only problem is he should have waved the soap through the water and let it hit is skin. He smelled like he wore shit cologne, it was gross. After the attack on my olfactory glands I was allowed to go on though to the gate and move on.

So I get on the motor roach and trek over to Terminal B gate 60 which is right down from the Lufthansa gates. Of course I sit down and get ready to surf the web with the ‘Free Internet Access’ that JetBlue promotes, well the only problem is the shit doesn’t work. So I go up to the counter ask the guy if there is internet. He says ‘sir, the free internet does not work but you can go over to gate 62 for paid internet. ‘ Rather than get in a fight with Zubair, I moved on because he was so ugly he looked like he could cast spells. I get to the Lufthansa gate and “tada!!” I have internet, but every other word I hear over the loudspeaker is in German. Now I love Germany, in fact I kinda like German people; but the language is a mess. When speaking German one sounds like they are in the midst of taking a really rough ‘shit’. Even as pleasant as Hilda’s voice was it still sounded like she was passing a foot-long turd when speaking.

Finally my flight is moved up to 8:40 and I begin to board. The flight would have been great aside from the fact that the DirectTV in my seat did not work. Now I fly JetBlue for 3 reasons; cheap, Internet, and DirectTV. Now they have conspired to snatch 2 of those reasons from me; internet and DirectTV, so instead I sleep. I can only imagine that I was either snoring of kicking in my sleep because everyone looked at me when I woke up like “damn he is done snoring”. Whatever, they can kiss my no DirectTv having ass.

I get my bags, no problem, I ride the AirTrain to Hertz, no problem. Then the shit begins to go downhill. Did I mention it was raining. Well, it was raining. Ankle deep water.

I go into Hertz because my name is not on the board for my Gold Reservation. Now, those of you who know me know I don’t ask for much except for shit to be right if I am paying for it. I have a “fuck it up if it is free” philosophy, but if I am paying you some hard earned skrill you better come with it. So the guy at the desk, whose teeth looked like Jolly Ranchers proceeded to tell me “you are not a Gold Member”, I turned around looked behind me and looked back and slid my card over to him and said “I have a Gold Card”; ‘but the system says you are not gold’ he says. Again, trying to be a good Christian I say, ok I will fix this later. He then says “oh we gave away the car we had reserved for you”, again I turn around breathe and turn back and say “excuse me, why?”. Then there is some protracted tale about a person who wanted a different car than they reserved blah blah blah… I decide I will let this go to. Very Christian of me.

Now I have to walk through the rain to my car which is a White Hummer H3, sounds nice right? HELL NO. The car has no navigation, no keyless entry, and smells like Snoop Dogg rented it before me, but by now it was 11:20 PM and I cannot really fight the fight before my 35 minute drive. So I get to hell, also known as the Hilton Long Island and I am ready to go up to my concierge level room. But guess what, they had some shit in for me.

I check in, I get my room jacket with my room key and I headed up to room 561. I get to the room slide in my room key and I get the “red” light. Those of you who stay in hotels know the red light is not good. So I try again and again. I try until the person staying in room 561 comes to the door. I apologize and I walk away. Imagine this you are an older white man who wakes to me at your door trying to jostle it open. Well luckily he did not call the law and I was not shot 17 times. So I call downstairs and I am told – “we gave your room away you are in a Junior Suite, room 315” I get to room 315 and on first sight it is great. Cavernous and warm. Then I proceed into the restroom, the restroom is like that in a nursing home, so much so it has wheelchair locks in the shower. Question. How do you wash your ass if you sit in a wheelchair?

Fuck that. But by now I am sleepy and nothing else can really happen, so I decided I will take care of it on Wednesday. (more to come)