Blast From the Past, Vol. 1 -- Sh'Monica

Every week I will begin including stories that have been aired in the past to people who have heard my rants.  They will be sure to please.  In this first edition I decided I would introduce my first muse, Sh'Monica.  I met Sh'Monica under the following circumstances in 2001, it was a HOT MESS!!

Enjoy...

Cluck-U is a chicken place here in DC that is kinda like Wings to Go or WingsStop whatever you have in your area. Given that DC has it share of ghetto folks i find most of them on my visits to Cluck U. Wednesday, September 19 I am at the Cluck U close to Howard University and it is getting dark so i know it is time to get my ass out of that hood. BAM", just as i am walking out of Cluck U, it happens right in front of me, a huge 3 car pile up. I was like oh well, that sucks. i look and see that everyone is ok, and I begin to get to my car. Then I hear it, the voice. We all know the voice, the voice of that ghetto black person we know, for some of you it could be my voice or the voice of a friend from school. Imagine if you will a Ghetto Fabulous black woman, who is far too large for her Kia Rio but drives it anyway, getting out of her car yelling "Ahhhh, shit Ahhh shit, somebody is going to pay Ahhh Shit ...." Now i know a few of you know me really well and know that normally i would be on my ass laughing at this sight. Well I have instituted a new policy of "breathing" when something is really funny, the way it works (do this with me now) you fix your lips like you are puckering up and then you just blow puffs of air like you are blowing out birthday candles until you do not have to laugh anymore. What happens is I begin to focus on how much of a fool i look like that I stop thinking about what is funny. So i am "breathing" at a small rate when she gets out and starts yelling. So at this point I decide that I will sit on my trunk and watch the circus from a safe distance, just in case i need to run i leave my car running. So I am sitting, and she begins to wail on the guy who is apparently Jamaican who hit her causing her to hit the car in front of her. She calls him everything from A to Z, and i just "breathe". Then it happens, the police come to interview the people who saw the accident, so as i am eating my cheese fries and about to transition to my chicken, she ( i find out in a moment her name is Sh'Monica (just like that)) points to me and says "he saw it, him the one with the Asthma", apparently Sh'Monica had seen me watching them and gathered from the way that I was breathing that I had Asthma, little did she know that I was laughing at her ass. Nonetheless, she and the officer and the other parties walk over in my general direction, so I begin to pack up my food and turn off my car so that I can talk. I explain what happened to the officer and just when I think all is well, Sh'Monica hits me with "can I have some of yo' chicken", i cannot tell you all what it took for me not to begin laughing right then and there, but I began my "breathing" and she goes "you okay?" I just nod my head to signify that i am saying "ok" becuase i know the moment I stop is the moment when I will begin to laugh like there is no tomorrow. So imagine if you can a grown man standing in front of this woman "breathing" like a fool, that was me. Well I did give her some chicken though, but she could have done without :)