Blast From the Past --- Vol.2 -- Bad Kidz and Trent Lott....

This was written in like December of 2002.


Context: Trent Lott said Strom Thurmond would have made a great President and ….

But this shit is still funny…. Enjoy…

howdy folks,

it is always good to write to my friends and give them a tiny bit of a reason to laugh during their day. Today's note will focus on a few things: bad ass kids and Trent Lott.
Bad Ass Kids

SO I was asked to volunteer the other day with some underprivileged kids here in the DFW Metroplex. I was warned that they may be a little rowdy, rambunctious, and so on but I was not really too alarmed because the people who ask me to come are all rather old so I figured that if they can handle them I know I will have no problem. SO, with this mindset I pull up to the Martin Luther King Cultural Center, in Dallas and I go in register and think that I am going to just have fun time sitting with the group, OH NAW, not for Kevin Ward. I guess they saw what they thought was a spry healthy young gentleman who wanted to chase kids all day, FUH WHAT? I go into the art room, where kids are running wild, wild and free like animals on the damn Serengeti, it was pitiful. The teacher is sitting there just looking and trying to gain control, of course I was surveying the land, you know … looking for weapons and such.

Now I would have never known that I would be in the room with 5 year old celebrities (but I was) I mean there was one child in there that had more weave than should be humanly allowed, and she was 5, I called her Tweet, we had a Missy Elliot (you know a heavier than normal girl whom you will always question whether she really likes men when she gets older), a Jay-Z (damn boy look just like a turtle), and a few other stars including but not limited to Da Brat and Shakira ( you know the Messicans everywhere) (yeah I know Shakira aint messican)). Anyway judging by the way they all were dressed they had just left either the Billboard Music or the Source Awards whichever is more tacky.

To move on, so I am still in my state of, "what the hell?" and "why is the teacher not regulating?" The teacher, a 23 y/o Austin College grad (white) looked like she had been in a street fight, so I was not trying to push her too much instead, I just asked what I needed to do. She asked if I could "corral" the kids at the tables so class could start. I was like "corral" I am mad that they are a bunch of animals to her too, but ok. So I am like ok everyone sit down, and they all just keep on their little path to destruction. My thought was … "well ok", what else can I try that wont land me in jail? So I looked at the teacher again, for some reason I really think that she was praying but I passed it off as her being crazy, and I kept trying to get the kids to sit. Five minutes into it I was spent, I was running out of games to try and attempt to play the "who is sitting quietly? game". So I just whistled really loud, they all stopped moving and then I said everyone needs to sit down NOW!! Thinking I had done something I turned around to walk up to the front of the room, and when I turned back, they were all just standing there, stoic and scary. Like the Children of the Corn. Then, the one that I will call Missy E, looks to Jay Z and is like, "who the f*ck is this fool", I mean to the point that she straight up pointed at me like I was a damn side show or something. So I just stood my ground like they tell you to do when you confront animals in the wild. SHOW NO FEAR!

Now I will not lie those little bastards had me scared for a minute. I mean they did not sit down immediately, they kind of just stood there, like hoodlums, some with arms crossed, some with hands on hips, others with hand on their heads, while others were walking around talking to each other like little gangstas even with little limps and shit, talking about "I don’t know him, you know him?", "who is he". Then comes the signal, Missy E sighs and goes to a seat and they all fall in line within 5 seconds.

So it did not take a long time for me to realize that Missy E was the damn ring leader. Satisfy her and I have it made. So I thought…. After that Ms. Lisa starts her lesson, and I kind of go by the tables to observe and help as needed. Now don't get me wrong these kids were smart, too damn smart, they were just BAD!! Now at least one kid at each table would give me what I will call the L.O.D (thank you Stephannie for the V.O.D similarity), the L.O.D. would be the look of death, a look like, don’t let me catch you with your back turned, or out at your car. So no sooner than it started was the lesson over and Ms. Lisa (the teacher) was back behind her desk (I really think she was praying) sitting with a distant look in her eyes and mouthing words.

No sooner did she finish than did the group hop up, and got right back to acting 'a monkey' (as granny says). So I whistled again and told everyone to sit, I heard then a chuckle (from Ms. Lisa) I guess she knew something I did not. The kids stopped looked at me, and Tweet said just like this, ' uh Mistah, this is our free time, we don’t have to sit', now I come from a camp where if you are 5 and you talk back to anyone above 18 like that you get popped in your mouth. But I was cool, and I was like oh ok, free time. Free time for me to regulate. They were cussing each other hitting each other and everything. Now I am not going to lie, I am used to kids in the suburbs, you know they like to climb up on me and wrestle me and stuff, so I was like you all cannot fight, but who can knock me down?

Being the idiot I am, the next thing I know, oh the bastards circled me like I was wild prey and shit. I was down for the count in about three seconds, screaming' like a bitch. Jay-Z played the fool and hit me with a hammer (plastic), I told him I was going to beat his ass, and he said to me, ‘my daddy will shoot you’, I then looked to Ms. Lisa ( same distant look mouthing the same prayer). I very quickly told Jay - Z I was just kidding for fear his daddy would kill me and if not that Shakira's pops would stab me. I finally staggered to my feet and told Ms. Lisa to "Peace Out" b/c I was gone. I went to the volunteer office and told them to "Call me when they get guards because this is some bullshit.”


Trent Lott

Now c'mon, raise your hand if you were really surprised by what Trent said? I wasn't, I mean I personally thought very highly of Trent Lott and think that he is a great politician but I was not surprised. I mean I did not gasp at the shit, for some reason white folks are all in a hubbub about it. I mean damn the man is from MISSISSIPPI, that is spelled “I-LIKE-SEGREGATION-I-S-S-I-P-P-I” and if you are from the ghetto or ever played double dutch that is M-I-Crooked Letter-Crooked Letter-I-Crooked Letter- Crooked Letter-I-Hump Back-Hump Back-I. Just to ease the confusion.

But in all honesty, when was the last time you saw a happy black person in MS? I have been too many times to count, everybody is angry, for a minute I thought Tavis Smiley was from there. J/K I don't want Tavis after me, he is ANGRY!! No for real. I was saddened that T. Lott said what he said and then had the nerve to go on BET. Muthah Fuckah Fuh WHAT? Muthah Fuckah WHY? Trent we know you from MS, we know you did not know any black folks in school, but I cannot remember when (before that interview)you supported affirmative action? When? Tell me Trent!! Sorry let me get off that soap box.

Know this, a few of my favorite people in government are Condi Rice and Colin Powell (I was delusional in 2002), both are just tremendous folks. Now I also like Kennedy, Rummy (Rumsfeld), and some others but they dont fit into this argument. Now today in the NY Times there is a quote from, C. Powell saying that he was not happy with what Lott said but thinks he is "sincere" in his apology. I too think that he is sincere too, I mean shit black folks run DC from the streets of the city to the kitchen of the Capitol they are in there at all levels too, the point is Trent knew he had to survive in that city. Secret Service might protect you against a terrorist or two, but let two 'bruhs from SE come up at you Trent, you will be feeling "all the trouble we are in now" when they swing some jacks (even in 2002) at yo ass.

As ignorant as that may sound, think about it really, why is he really apologizing? Why is he on BET? Because he is scared, not of getting whooped but of losing face, and losing power, in my opinion that is it. I digress, back to Colin Powell and Ms. Rice, you see Powell talks the way I talk when I don’t like someone, in polite indignation that you have to really be able to see through. C. Powell is from the GHETTO… HARLEM, I mean he was not taking to Trent Lott lightly from the onset of this whole mess.

Now Powell said this :

"I was disappointed in the senator's statement; I deplored the sentiments behind the statement," Mr. Powell said at a State Department briefing with the Danish foreign minister. "There was nothing about the 1948 election or the Dixiecrat agenda that should have been acceptable in any way to any American at that time or any American now."

But since he is a politician and cannot talk the way he would if was in Harlem with his boys I will translate for you all. Bear in mind any reference to this translation will be vehemently denied with or without proof.

What he was really saying was:

"Trent Lott better be glad I was not up in that Party, what the hell the Dixiecrats know and who the hell cares about Mississippi and what they do. Shit all you can get there anyway is good cotton and pig feet. All I gotta say to Trent Lott is this: "Yo ‘T’, say something else crazy, majority leader or not, Me and Condi will whoop yo ass, PERIOD." " -- translation with a few additions done by Kevin Ward

LATER>>>> >

I hope everyone’s Chanukah was as good as mine. BTW- My new yamulka is TIGHT, it is leather with a Louis Vuitton Monogram.


kevin "scooter" ward

Life Lesson... Crazy bitch!!

So I figured out today that I have a few things that I can share with the world. So here i9s your lesson for today…. Don’t call a black woman a bitch… they will go old school crazy..

Black Women are gangsta, so don’t piss them off…. Old School Gansta kind of Crazy

Warning: This cannot be universally applied to all women.

A Crazy Bitch is different than your run of the mill 10th Street Bitch. So with that said, I remember a story from my cousin Yolanda from before she got married and shewas gangsta. She was pregnant with her first child (the wrong way) fathered by some hood rat ass man. Turns out they got in some crazy twisted argument over the phone. It just so happens I was in the “ATL” this particular weekend so my time was spent shuttling her 3rd Trimester ass all up and down Peachtree and Dunwoody looking for Hoody McHoodkins. No such luck. That night though, I figured out that Yolanda is a crazy bitch. She is Old School Crazy.

She gets a phone call on her cell phone and it is “Hoodie” they get into an argument and he calls her a “bitch” and hangs up. Here is the problem. He could have called her anything, and I mean anything. He could have called her a 22 dollar “ho” and there would have been less drama; but no, he called her a “bitch”. Absorb this shit like you are a sheet of Brawny --- You would rather slap your mama open handed with your ring turned inside than call a black woman a bitch --- Now pause and re-read that shit until you understand it.

Now that you understand that, you will see why I said that. Some black women, not all, but some have multiple personalities. I think all the women in my family do. Because when they get mad there is a scary calm that comes over them.

You want to catch Osama Bin Laden? (and you are bereft of crack heads) Tell my cousin he called her a bitch…. FOUND, $10 MM please…

Back to the story, Hoodie not only called her a bitch, he hung up in her face. Now I am not sure which is worse but when he hung up she looked at the phone like it was broken and was just mumbling “I know this muthafuckah did not hang up on me…. I know this muthafuckah did not hang up on me… I know this muthafuckah did not hang up on me” Each time gradually louder as she fiddled with the phone as though it was broken. Now when you witness some shit like this occurring don’t stare, in fact ignore it altogether until you are addressed by name, this is no time for an intervention. Remember that or there will be a trial for involuntary manslaughter and you will be the victim in question.

So after he is done mumbling she says, “Scooter we gotta make a ‘run’”, now up until then I only thought that Yo (as I call her) was hood, but when you go for a ‘run’ in a car, that is some UGK/Public Enemy s hard core Explicit Lyrics shit. Anyway, I ask no questions and I drive on this ‘run’ to Hoodies house. I drive in slilence because she begins mumbling “…. I know this muthafuckah did not hang up on me…” all over again, and me I just think it is good to live. So we get to his house, and she looks at me and says “o.k. this is how it is gonna go down, I am gonna go around back to this window and I will be back out in 5 minutes”, then I screwed up and spoke and said “uh no, I am not trying to go to jail behind some ignorant shit like you and Akbar (I call him that because he is Muslim) fighting, besides your pregnant”… Now she bypassed the more rational comment about going to jail over her and Akbar’s shit and jumped right into, “why you all in my pregnancy, you need to be supportive, you family… BLAH BLAH BLAH…” there was so much neck rolling and finger popping I just conceded and ran around back with her (like a damn fool).

It was like I was the cameraman from Cops chasing behind a crazy pregnant woman. We get around back, she sees he is on the couch playing PlayStation (not 2 or 3, just the old school white Playstation) and she walks up the window slides open that shit like she the Police. She goes in slaps him like he a punk, and then says “yo mama’s a bitch and don’t hang up on me no more”, turns around (here is the kicker) bitch climbs back out the window. THAT IS OLD SCHOOL CRAZY!!! She looks to me and says ‘let’s go’. Needless to say I was slackjawed, but I got in the car and drove back. She turns to me in the car hits me in the arm and says “why you let me do that crazy shit, I am pregnant”

She a crazy bitch. Old School Gangsta Crazy!!

Hillary is a Bitch and Obama is Muslim!!!

I wish there was an easy way to talk about this but there is not. I also wish I could say it in a funny and tongue in cheek way, but I cannot. The fact is that politics is frustrating and I have never seen it as passionate as I have this time around. I have watched otherwise rational people say things that are downright offensive about Hillary Clinton and others make up lies altogether about Barack Obama. And for some strange reason I am caught in the middle. I am a Clinton supporter who happens to be Black. Weird huh? Well, apparently it is.

It is weird that I do not blithely accept that because Barack Obama is black that I should vote for him. Or because Bill Clinton states fact he is a racist. Weird huh? I mean I forgot that we Blacks are monolithic and we do everything we are told to do in our weekly black conference calls.

I think my favorite thing is that I am seen as a turncoat, an OREO, a wannabe, a this or a that. That otherwise rational educated people tell me that I am a disgrace because I am not supporting Obama. I ask them, what about him is so great? Then of course I get the boilerplate. I guess it is like when I was in high school and because I spoke the way I speak I got ridiculed or maybe it is because I am often told I am not “black-enough” by people who are apparently “black-enough” to be able to judge my relative hue. Trust me I am black enough.

· I am black enough to know that if my neighborhood or my car is a little too nice I am likely to be stopped for some BS reason, not because I am paranoid, but because it has happened multiple times.

· I am black enough to know that my work is oft times review and re-reviewed when it seems “too good”

· I am black enough to know that my community would rather turn a deaf ear or a blind eye to my sexuality than accept me with open arms

· I am black enough to know that my money is more welcome than my presence in some retailers

So maybe I am just taking it all out of context. Maybe Rev. Wright represents that monolithic Black Church, much like Pat Robertson represents the white church. Or maybe it is “out of context” when I directly quote polls that show that white voters favor Clinton over Obama, I guess then I am racist. I hate to say it but I can say many things that my white colleagues cannot. I can effortlessly use the “n” word or I can call someone racist without much thought to it; but what I cannot do is get “it”. That “it” is why not liking Obama makes me less black than the people who choose to paint me that way. I am a Blue Dog Raegan Democrat and truth be told I would vote Republican just as easily I as I would Democrat. But I vote for who can do the job, not who I like the most. I am not anyone’s cheer leader but I am this, I am a person who respects and appreciates hard work over popularity. Substance over finger pointing, I don’t care how history reads Bush-Clinton-Bush- Clinton (or Obama (or even McCain)) I just need for it to be a real history; one of work not words.

But because I am not supporter the “brother” I am not (yet again) good enough. But I was good enough when I supported a community that often shut me out or when I help Katrina victims. Honestly though, this isn’t about me. It is about us and what we allow ourselves to become. We allow ourselves to discount 30 years of civil rights work as “calculating”; we allow ourselves to over rate words and under rate experience because someone is like “us”, or we just “like” them more.

Now don’t get my words mixed up. I like Barack Obama, I just think Hillary Clinton can do a better job. Notice I did not say I liked her more. I don’t vote and/or hire people I like. I reserve that for having beers. If I cast a ballot for you I expect you to answer the hard questions and stand up for something more than a platitude. So if that makes me not black, let it be what it is. I just am tired of the ire associated with not being an Obama supporter, I mean squint and suck your teeth at someone else, we have 2 great candidates either of which will do well, but apparently it is only cool to not like one of them, never mind the fact that the real opponent is John McCain. And to those of you who do not talk to me anymore because I support Clinton, one word "REALLY?"

So I can endure the people squinting at me and sucking their teeth for a few weeks more until we have a Democratic nominee, but please stop preaching to me because I am not in the choir.

Liza with a "Z"....

Last week I had the blessing (yes I said blessing) of seeing Miss Liza Minelli perform at Bass Hall in Ft. Worth, TX. It was everything I thought it would be and then some. Miss Liza ended every song with arms outstretched holding the mic in one hand the other pointed down towards the floor. I found out while in attendance at the concert that Liza automatically makes you middle-aged and gay. It is like something in the air. Gay men immediately have a yearning for patterned sweaters, khakis, and Merrell shoes.

Liza taught me a few things #1 don’t start smoking because you cannot finish a song, #2 thank the gayest man I know when I get a hip replacement, and #3 make sure no matter how much I sweat that my make-up never runs – after all I am a DIVA, right? I mean I am not a DIVA but Miss Liza most definitely is.

Miss Liza spun, jumped, twisted, kicked all in between gasps for air; and all without an intermission, I mean I was tired for this old hag. But she did it and she did it with fervor. Liza knows this secret a secret I will let my desperately single women know. Here it is: when you cannot marry them, surround yourself with them. Ladies, that is GAY MEN!! If you are a desperately single woman, surround yourself with (don’t marry) gay men. That is what keeps you looking good.

We all have those times where we sneak away from out “good” friends thinking we can be made better by new friends. WRONG!! That is the mistake that Liza made, she left the gays and was in hiding for years. Then what happens, we see her in 2001 at the Michael Jackson concert and before a worldwide audience she comes out looking like Treasure Troll. Liza looked like she had just come from a funeral march and had hat hair, FOLLISHNESS!! But alas, what happened? It took a gay to save the day.

David Gest flew in on his chiffon rug and took her off to be fixed up like only a fairy like him could do. Next thing you know we have new Liza. New hip, new knee- bitch is like Will Smith in iRobot, all new. Of course the marriage was short lived because David Gest is GAY AS HELL and I cannot imagine sex with Liza is all that great, her ovaries are tombstones and her breasts look like hot water bottles.

Now quick education. David Gest is just gay. He is so gay that show tunes play when he walks. They just come from the heavens. Just song. Now apparently the marriage fizzled because Liza would whoop up on David. All I have to say to that is, WHAT?!? She has a fake knee and a fake hip… I would run that bitch around the house until a screw fell loose, but I guarantee she would not beat my ass. Trust me on that. So alas Liza is alone again. But not really. She travels with 4 gays who are in her show, so she looks altogether grand. But just grand in the face, her outfits look like dressed up jazzercise costumes that she put on in the dark. She had on this lycra-esque pantsuit wreck with sequins at the bottom with a matching shirt jacket combo that all looked like a casual corner disaster waiting to happen. The sad part is she had that shit made. Now, when you have ugly shit made you are just flat beyond repair.

The sad part is I am scared that I would become a gay man’s biggest fear. Old and fat, why? Because that is all that was there. Old and fat, oh yeah and gay.

So what is the lesson for today? Have gay friends because they will let you know things like the following:
· Empire waists are bad (on everyone)
· Lane Bryant is a cruel cruel friend
· Heels always make women’s legs look better. PERIOD.
· Gay people don’t all know one another