Bits and Pieces....

My favorite part about a doctor visit is the eery conversation you have to have with the doctor as he molests your twig and berries. So I went to a new doctor on Monday because my other one was old and kept giving me medicine that made me constipated. Yes constipated. Advair anyone? So anyway, my new doc Dr. Jahns is gay. You know, like me, gay. Of course I am gay and tremendous, he is just your run of the mill across the street gay. You know the kind, with some old run over Prada shoes and an age inappropriate shirt. This is my first homo doc, I am have had an aversion to them in the past.

So he begins by saying, “ok, go ahead and strip down to your undies.” I was like, “what is in it for me?” of course I oblige and then sit on that cold ass bench for what seems to be an eternity before he comes back. Now, I know what is coming, some weird questions about my life a cold stethoscope, and the molestation, but he comes in with a flyer; a flyer that is the definition of “hot mess”. This flyer is for a female condom. So me thinking I am funny say, “brushing up?” he looks at me and says, “did you know the trannie prostitutes off 6th street stick these up their asses?” I was speechless, but I came to and said “no, no I did not know that”. I just sat there as he continued to read, and read…. Then he describes how they do it. I will leave out the specifics but there is a string on the end of this contraption that allows it to be snatched out of the snatch (or ass as it were).

Beginning to think I was gonna get a demonstration, I said “alrighty then how about my physical?”, he shuffles along and makes me inhale, exhale, look at the light, stand up/bend over (3 times – he said it was to check for scoliosis, I was like ‘do you have to stand so close to me for that?’) , then I know it is coming, the dreaded lay up here turn your head and cough action. So I hop up and I am like, ‘ok this will be over soon’. Let me preface this by saying, I am not a fan of my bits and pieces handled by someone uninvited, so physicals are VERY uncomfy for me. Ok, so I snatch down the cover ups and he snaps the gloves and goes “hmmm” I immediately think “HMMM?!?!” what the hell does that mean? I mean I self examine all the time, maybe too much – I am sure there was nothing new on the tree. But really what is “hmmm…” mean. I was like touch-n-go doc, touch-n-go.

He touches a little too much for my liking, but it is almost over. So he finishes I snap up the cover ups, and sit up. He immediately says “be right back” and leaves the room writing feverishly. Now, I was like ‘what the f&*k, is my shit about to fall off?’. So I do what any other person would do. I stand up and start looking at the bits and pieces in the full length mirror on the door. As I approach the end of my ‘self-examination’ the door opens to an audience of homo-sensationals gathered to gaggle about something, something groundbreaking like Brit being on TV that night I am sure. But there is one problem I am standing there molesting myself (or it may look that way) and they all see me holding on to the handle. I just pulled up the cover ups and turned around. Sometimes life is just too much…

FYI… I hate long island…