Blast from the Past ... Vol 2.... Toilet Humor (Originally Aired 9/21/2001)

Hey Folks,

How is everyone? I hope that all of you are fine. Since i rarely hear
from any of you I hope that you all have not fallen off the face of the
earth. I will begin by first saying that my heart goes out to all those
affected by last weeks tragedy, and i hope that we can keep in our minds
and in our hearts the meaning and expressions of peace. Okay... Now
that I did that.

Most of you know that i do not usually write these mass emails unless i
have something funny and self deprecating to say, well today is your
lucky day. Since i am still fairly new to our nations capital everyday
brings a brand new fresh set of weird funny and freaky shit to light.
So what am i to do? None other than write about it. I will preface
this all by saying if you are easily offended, do not read (i usually
wait until I can offend the largest cross section possible that way i do
not seem biased), if you do not like profane words -- move your ass on
to the next email in your box (I am trying to cut down on my profanity
in normal everyday convo, but it is just too expressive for me in email
form), lastly remember I love all of you and try to do nothing but
express to you all how screwed up my life really is, and see what you
all think about my adventures.

Toilet Humor -


Those of you who know me know that I hate public restrooms but I accept
them as a necessary evil in this complex world we live in. Well usually
if i have to potty (not pee) I will hold for as long as possible before
i will use a public restroom. Sometimes that does not work. So my
story begins, I am at Tysons Corner Mall in Virginia surveying the food
court restroom (at this point i had been to all the common area
restrooms and they were NASTY), it was very clean and had a nice piney
odor to it which i knew would help out in a minute :). So i go all the
way down to the handicapped stall (most room, you have to have room) and
begin to prepare to do my business. Before i actually begin i notice
that this toilet has a seat riser for people in wheelchairs. Rather
turned off by this I begin to look in the other stalls (all being empty)
they are not quite as clean so i suck it up and go to the wheelchair
stall. Now a few of you may know of the dilemmas i have had in public
restrooms, namely the wheelchair incident and the boss who had the
squirts and i began to laugh. Anyway, back to the toilet story. So
after preparation, i sit down on the crown and i immediately notice the
fact that I am way too high off the ground to be sitting on a toilet.

So i do what i have to do to get comfortable. As i sit there feet
swinging in the wind i finish up, and I reach over to my left to get the
TP to finish my business. As i lean over a bit the toilet riser shifts
cause the actual seat itself to fall into the bowl a bit (I am sure you
all can figure out what I am talking about). So I fall off the bowl and
in my hurry to stand up/catch myself I fall forward hitting the stall
front wall and door. Well I am sure you all know the amount of force IT
DOES NOT take to open a stall door and those little knobby locks they
have cannot even keep a 2 year old out, so the door flies open, I freak
out look around no one is out there (so I think at this point) so I have
to hold the door closed as I finish up. This is not going to work,
something is going to have to give. I cannot hold the door and pull my
pants up without letting the door go. At this point the restroom door
opens and people rush in a whole slew of them, long enough for a line . All i can think of now is staples, why can't i just fix this with staples :) (to help some of you I was known to fix my clothing with staples back in the day)

Now I am standing in the stall, holding my pants half way up with one
hand and the door with the other, thinking -- this is the most fucked up
thing in the world, WHY ME? Now i figure out that if i sit back on the
bowl i can hold the door closed with my feet, easy enough so i sit, I
grip the door with my toes and i pull up my pants as quickly as
possible. Now the moment of truth, i look back at the toilet and it
looks to be in need of some repair, so as i stand like a ice skater
using one foot to hold the door closed, i wrap my hands in TP and try to fix the
toliet seat by sitting it back up in it proper place. it does not work
(or stay for that matter) so i just perch it up there, knowing that
whomever uses it next is going to fall on their ass. Needless to say by
this point i have been talking out loud, saying things like "Oh DAMN",
"STUPID STUPID STUPID", and "This is BAD" to myself the whole time and
making the wierd noises i make when i get frustrated so it is
embarrassing when i walk out to a restroom full of old men from what
seem to be a nursing home laughing and pointing. This really does not
bother me i mean i get laughed at all the time, the pointing part sucked
but whatever -- old people do what they do. None of them catch my eye
except for one ho begins to move towards the stall as I am leaving the
restroom, the handicapped one. He has a walker, now i know he going to
need the riser. I am washing my hands as he slowly moves past behind me
in the mirror. "What do i do?", that is all i can think, "what do I
do?", so before i can even stop thinking i blurt out "Dont use that
toliet I broke it!!" and I jet out of the restroom. Now i do not know
what happened to that old man, but no worry of mine I mean i did not
mean to break the toilet.