Telegram Tuesday... vol 4

Good Morning, Good Morning. We have been on vacation a few days here and Scooter drug me back out of the closet to help with your problems. Today I am focusing on 2 gay men and one on some scary gal. We will begin wih one of the gay children.

#1 Dear Draggie C,


I am a gay man, but no one would know it. I am not a queen or a boi or whatever those types are. I don't go to pride parades, and I don't drink cosmopolitans. I am straight-acting, and that's the kind of guy I want to meet. I cannot seem to meet the right guy, though. Every guy who seems like they might be right (read: straight looking and acting), when he opens his mouth a purse falls out. I want people to think that when I walk down the street with my boyfriend that we are two buddies.

What's wrong with gay guys these days? And where do people like me go to meet the right guys?

Thanks,

Straight Acting

Uh Ms. Straight Acting (yeah I sad Ms.),

Ok this one is a joke, right? I don’t know who you think you are fooling, because it is not the Lady D. Let me begin by saying, as you pulled yourself away from America’s Next Top Model to write this you should have thought this shit through. You like so many people in this world want “forbidden fruit” you are a gay man that wants a straight man. Why? I get tired of all these “I am not a queen” types running around wondering what straight celebrity is gay and missing meals to look like some damn poster. You ain’t shit. You don’t want a “queen” or a “boi”? Why? They want the same thing you do… a penis, and not their own. You just as gay as this Drag Queen, honey so you need to stop fronting.

Let me attack this in one quick way. What the fuck is a straight acting gay? You cannot get anymore “gay acting” than sleeping with another man. PERIOD. So if you want a straight acting man you need to stop dating men. Oh, and no damn body believes that is your “buddy” or your damn roommate. You are a grown ass man and you have not dated a women sing 7th grade. Stop fooling yourself and trying to fool me. Who do you think you are Ryan Seacrest?
I know you might try to punk me out and say some shit like, “that old bitch doesn’t know” , well honey trust me like you trust Tyra, I KNOW, bitch....

Oh yeah, and you asked what is wrong with gay men? The same thing that is wrong with you, you need to like who you are and take what you get.. you damn Fairy Tail... (and I do mean Tail)

And lastly I need to read your punk ass like Charlotte’s Web and let you know how to address me. It is not as Draggie C, you raggedy ass Abercrombie wearing Hollister Boy chasing bitch.

You address me by the right the next time you write to me. Damn Gays!!

#2 Dear Ms. Christie,

I am in desperate need of your advice. You are a tough woman and I know that you will have great words of wisdom for me.

I have just arrived in Washington, DC and am a little bit overwhelmed, although I don't want to admit it to my friends back home in Nebraska. I am making a very small salary and have moved into a neighborhood that, well let's just say has opened my eyes quite a bit. What are those tiny Ziploc bags on the ground? They are so cute and come in great colors. They are just so small, I can't imagine what they are used for! Anyway-- The other day something happened that I just can't shake. I was walking down the street and turned the corner and ran right into a homeless man. I apologized profusely to the man, I was really scared because he seemed quite angry and had a very nasty odor to him, but he would not give me back the bag of Oreo cookies that fell out of my grocery bag I dropped when we collided. So I looooooooooove Oreos and I have very little money to spend on groceries so those cookies were VERY important to me. I really wanted them back and reasoning with the man didn't work at all. I even offered him money or some of the other food I had just bought and he just laughed and laughed. Now on my way to and from work I have to walk by the man and he takes out one cookie from the bag and starts to eat saying how good it is and how I really must want one, etc. etc. I can't stand it any more, I just can't!!

I don't want those cookies back, but I want to know how I can get him to stop tormenting me. Now the other people that see this are starting to laugh at me too, but no more! How do I put this man in his place? Of course I would never want to physically hurt him and I understand that he doesn't have any money, but my pride and future enjoyment of Oreo cookies is on the line here. What do I do?!?!!?

Thanks so much Ms. Christie, I know I can count on you.

Sincerely,

I need my Oreos

Dear Need My,

What? He took what? Okay there is term here in the “real world” called “run him up” that is what you need to do to his homeless funky ass RUN HIM UP!!

What does that mean? You need to bust his ass. He is HOMELESS. You can run home, where the fuck is he going to go? Next time you see him, you walk right up on his punk ass, I mean right on him; get so close you can feel his breath. Then you treat him lik e a school bully. When he calls you a “bitch” you hit him dead in his Adam’s Apple as hard as you can.

Once you do this he will drop down to his knees then you take a cookie and twist it apart and stick it on his damn forehead. Then you pimp slap him and walk away. That is it. You will never have trouble out of his bitch ass again. Girl you better buck up, you are not in Nebraska anymore.

Girl that was too easy.

Much love.

D.C


Oh and those little baggies, don’t touch them I think my cousin works your route ;) -- and learn to write a shorter question.. damn..

#3 Dear Dragatha-

My boyfriend is really hot, hung, and handsome. Here’s the problem: He likes to punch me while we’re getting it on. I like it rough, but not THAT rough. I’d appreciate your wisdom.

All my best,

-What to do

Dear What to Do,

You nasty as hell. You don’t go telling your business like that but let me see what I can do. First, you need to meet your friend who wrote me earlier about wanting a straight acting man, because you are both fucked up. Anyway, I think you lying. I think your man is neither hot nor handsome. I think he is just hung and likes to hit you during sex.

The real problem is Big Dick McGee likes to beat you like Ike beat Tina during sex. Your problem is you let him come back because it was good. What does that mean? Well we have all ‘tapped a monkey’. That is to say we have all have had a one night (or 2 night) stand with an ugly motherfucker, and the ONLY reason we keep going back is that shit is better than Oprah’s Favorite Things bitch. Now my readers may think, “that bitch is off her rocker I have never “tapped a monkey”’ well bitches I am here to tell you if you have never tapped a monkey, you are the monkey that is getting tapped. So believe me when I tell you that shit happens.

If you really don’t like it. You go the way of my Oreo friend, in other words to you beat his ass. You get yourself in a position to knock the fuck out of him. I am not talking about a love tap. You need to hit is ass so hard he needs to call Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Don’t fuck around with your sexual experience, you need to get what you like.

Well I hope that helped,

The Lady D

ps – if you let him go give him my number ;)