Telegram Tuesay...

Dear Dragatha Christie,

I am a young lady in my late 30's. I am a big girl, and I love it. I am curvy and buxom and womanly. Skinny bitches, step aside. Now, I have been seeing a man for a few months that I met on a big, beautiful woman online dating service. It is my first serious relationship, and I really do care for him. Recently, he has been encouraging me to gain weight. He says that he likes big women, and I am not big enough. Ideally, he would like for me to weight between 350 and 400 pounds. I told him that I was not sure - that is a big person! - but he said he would probably marry me if I got to that weight.

I am torn. What do you advise? I want to keep my man, but I don't want to kill myself with a heart attack in the process.

Sincerely,

BBW

Dear BBW –

I have too much to say to you,  sort of like you have too much ass and probably everything else. You say that you are curvy and womanly, and that skinny bitches need to step aside. I read it as “I am big as a house and diabetic, and I eat food left on skinny people’s plate”. Now before I even get to this sorry ass piece of a man you have let me light in to your big ass. You need to get your ass off of BigHoes.com and get to Weight Watchers. You have let Monique warp your mind. That bitch can be fat because she is rich. You are not, you need to keep your coins all together so that you can do the things that you need to do.

As you like to say you are a big woman, no bitch… you are fat. You fat as hell. You mean to tell me this man wants you to gain 50 – 100 pounds and then he will marry you. You need to take your foot and kick your own stupid ass. Who in the hell wants you to get bigger in order to get busy. That is some kind of wild shit. I don’t know what to tell you. The Lady D is damn near at a loss. You need to take your naïve ass on to the gym and try to lose one of your asses and two of your chins. Why don’t you start there.

After you join a damn gym you need to drop this damn Hershey Squirt of a man you have. He says he likes big women and you need to gain some more weight…and you say that is a BIG PERSON!!

Who the hell do you think you are? You may think you look like Janet Jackson, but as big as you sound you look like Randy Jackson (pre-bypass).

This shit is easy. Do this self test – Stand in front of a 7 dollar full length mirror, stand with your nose on the mirror, take 2 steps back … if you cannot see your whole body in the mirror, then you are fat, if you need to take more than one step back you are big as hell.

Now back to this sorry shit of a man…girl, you need to listen to Lady DC girl, he does not love you. He wants to marry you because he wants a check, and not your paycheck. He is trying to kill you, girl, he wants some insurance money. He is going to get your stupid ass all fat and diabetic and then after you lose a foot or two you will end up 6 feet under and his ass will be riding around in a new Escalade.

What do I advise? I advise you get a damn brain and some Slim Fast, get off BigHoes.com, and drop his punk ass and slim down to a size that you will not have to wear pants with elastic on the side.



Dear Dragatha -

I have large breasts, and I sweat profusely. Not only do I get large sweat marks under my ample bosom, but often times odor results. This is a huge source of embarrassment for me, but I'm not of means to pay for a breast reduction. You sound like a heavily endowed woman, too. Do you have any suggestions or advice for someone in my cup size?

Many thanks -

Busty



Dear Busty,

You have problems, and I mean problems. Not the least of which is the fact that you think that I am heavily endowed, or a real woman. I am heavily endowed, but trust me that is all downstairs. Your problem is one that afflicts many women in that you have hyper-hydrosis and you have what I call “titty stank”. You need to call that Montel Williams Partnership for Prescription Assistance and get your sweaty ass some prescriptions strength deodorant then put that shit under your big ass titties. You may not be “of means” but you need to get a good wicking bra that can breathe and keep those midgets you call breasts dry.

Now where it gets tricky is if the deodorant does not work… Then there are 2 solid things you can do.

#1 – Swing your titties over your shoulder and tape a roll of paper towels under each breast.
- It sounds like your shit is big enough that no one will notice

#2 – Go out and buy some cheap dish sponges soak them in rubbing alcohol, tape one side to the underside of your breast and as the sweat pours in the sponge will expand.

That is really all I have for you… Let me know how it works..

Dragatha