T is for Tore Up...

I know that some people are never going to get it. They will never understand the importance of first impression or a proper dress code. Some may never grasp the concept of a no “suspenders and belt” theory or a “don’t wear shoes with tassels, ever” theory. Some people never get that you should not still be wearing a calculator watch or one that beeps every hour on the hour. These are simple things, simple things that I guess I have to provide guidance on from time to time. Of course when I say some people in this context I am talking about straight men….

Today I will focus on the shoe. First of all, it cannot be overstated that I love myself a shoe. I love a shoe. I love a SHOE, bitch…I mean in the past sixty days I have probably bought 5 pair of shoes, bringing my total somewhere close to 60 pair. What is important about my shoes is how I do not let them get run over. Now, one can say that I have too many to let them get run over, I disagree, some people are hard on a shoe, I am not. I treat my shoes like I would a second skin. Shoes are an outer expression of who you are (at least to me).

Many of you have seen me unabashedly look at a bitches shoe when I first meet them. It is what I do. I look at your shoes. Why? because if your shoes are run over, you are run over. Plain and simple. If I have said it once I have said it a hundred times you can fake everything, except for a shoe. So when I see a shoe that looks a hot mess. I am forced to bring awareness to it.
Here are a 3 examples of shoes that are a hot mess:

One –

I took this photo on the AirTrain at JFK airport as I was leaving the American Airlines terminal. I say these shoes and I immediately thought of Yoshi from Super Mario fame. Now my question to the audience is, what was this bitch thinking? Even on a bad day these shoes are not good. Even on a Whitney Houston/Britney Spears drug binge these shoes are not good. Look at them, close your eyes then look at them again; now tell me what is this shit?

I don’t want to go to the right of her shoes because that is a new mess all together, the “dress sock and semi-dress shoe with short combination” easily a faux paux made by someone from the former Soviet Union or an old Rotarian, either way it is so damn wrong it is unspeakable. Now, back to Yoshi. Someone send this bitch a DSW coupon. These shoes are a MESS!! Where do you buy this shit? I wonder if there were rationed out by the government in South Ossetia…Hmmm

It really does not matter because she is beyond repair look at those socks, then move up past the cankle to the capris. This whole outfit is like Steve Santorum’s Senate Campaign a TRAIN WRECK!!!


Two-

Who told this bitch she was hot? I mean I was on the Red line heading to the suburbs one day and in walks this bitch, wearing her new shoes, apparently from the Liza Minelli Collection at Saks (there is no such collection, so the gays need not go shopping). This is the kind of bullshit I hope the next President outlaws. She needs to be in prison for multiple counts of mess. I would give her 3 -5 years, because by the looks of it that was how old her face and lips were. She was obviously recovering from a chemical face peel which I think she needed her money back because she looked like a howler monkey with a case of Progeria and rosacea. Witness this mess…

My favorite part is how in the larger photo you can see my stupid ass taking the photo like I am Ansel Adams on location. But really, where do you buy some My Little Pony Glitter Girl Bullshit like this? Chicos? Coldwater Creek? White House | Black Market? Where ever she bought them and whomever sold her this Stride Rite bullshit needs to be blown up like Fallujah, this is a hot damn shame.

Three-

Last, but certainly not least there is the work shoe. Now this one is targeted squarely betwixt the eyes of you straight men who think you do not need to dress up to get your shit right. YOU ARE WRONG. You can almost wear anything from any store as long as it is a derivative product. What is a derivative product? Well it is something that is derived from and can pass for the real. Now I am not talking about jewelry so this is not Cubic Zirconia or Diamontrique; I mean khakis, white shirts, ties, and shoes stuff like that. You can get a derivative set of any of this from Target, but I would not go lower than Target, make Target your floor for clothing. Now you cannot buy a derivative shoe. PERIOD. That shit will run out faster than a Nascar tire, you just cannot do it. Buy yourself 3 quality shoes….

• Black Funeral Shoe (leather sole) - This shoe will allow you to have a shoe for church, work, and the occasional home going service at the Baptist Church
• Brown Church Shoe (leather sole) - This shoe allows you to go to church in style, work in style, and can be worn with a pair of jeans too
• DARK Brown casual shoe (rubber sole) - Get this shoe to wear on casual Friday because those runover New Balance tennis shoes are not cutting it.

Whatever you do, do not show up in some shit like this…


This is an example of a tired, tore up, messed up, jacked up, fucked up shoe. Who wears this shit to work? I sat down next to an otherwise highly intelligent man who had these shoes on. I could not function the rest of the meeting. Take a damn look… he has had the shoe so long they have a foot signature… You know what I mean, you can see each toe with distinction…

Don’t let this happen to you, or your friends ..