Piss Test... and the Snatch Up

Piss..and the Snatch Up....


There comes a time in everyone’s career when you are subject to some kind of drug testing, mostly in the form of pee. So today was my day to go pee in a cup. I got off early and hopped on the interwebs to see what time the places were open until. Bam I found one 2 miles away open until 3:30PM, I thought “excellent I will leave here at 3PM. So indeed I left the house at 3PM and arrive at the piss station at 3:15.

This is what unfolded next:

Scene One: The Window

at the window:
me: ‘hello I am here for occupational drug testing’

lab worker: looks up acknowledges me, looks at the clock and looks back at her work.

me: ‘um, ma’am I am here for occupational drug testing’

lab worker: this time with a LITTLE too much sass in her mouth. ‘sir, we stop performing drug tests at 3:30PM...’

*note: this probably would not have bothered me as much if this heifer was older than 20, but nah she was like 19 sitting there texting and chatting

me: ‘oh, for real?!? that’s great because it is 3:15PM’

lab worker: very dramatically ‘fill out this form have a seat and your name will be called’

me: ‘will do’ (at this point I am working hard to shine light on this girl because she was about to lose her teeth)


Scene Two: The Lobby

in the lobby: I am the LONE customer in this place, the ONLY one. So I am like I will be in and out RIGHT? well here we go...

me:after 10 minutes of sitting ‘ma’am do you know how long it will be?’

lab worker: ‘sir, you will be called when they are ready for you’

me:at this point I am done dealing with this Lil Mama look alike ‘that’s great but that is not what I asked you, what I asked you was do you know when.... (she interrupts me)

lab worker: ‘no. i don’t’

me: I had to take a pause here (read old blogs if you do not know what a pause is) ‘oh (pause), ok (pause) I got you. (pause) when they are ready they will call me, ok i got you.

*note: when agitated or angry, you do not want me to repeat what you just said, and you REALLY don’t want me to couple it with a pause. So I was ready for this one, but I still needed to piss in the cup, and I am not trying to have them taint my piss.

Scene Three: The Piss

lab door opens and the technician yells...

lab tech: ‘mr. ward?!?’

me: i look around because I am on the person in the waiting room, i get up and i go to the door

lab tech: ‘are you mr. ward?’

me: ‘yes, yes I am’

*note: anyone who has had to have a piss test knows that uncomfy thing they do when they tell you to take everything out of your pockets, no phones, blah blah blah.. so after the instructions I get to bidness ... DONE .. right around 90 ML.

lab tech: ‘put it right there’ (with no point or anything)

me: ‘uh where is right there?’


lab tech: ‘right there where it says ‘place urine here’’

*note: this is where the wheels come off because I think of it like this, you, well you are in the business of piss collection, not high on the career ladder, and you want to shine on me? uh no... so I had to speak words without speaking words to get my message across

me: ‘uh, excuse me?’ but it was all about how I said it. I was looking dead in that bitches eyes and she knew what I was really saying was “Bitch what you just say to me?”

lab tech: ‘oh I am sorry, I mean can you put it on the counter?’

me: ‘gladly.’

lab tech: ‘thank you mr. ward, please sign out at the desk’

*note: this is what happens when you hit a bitch in the throat with your words, you get respect.

Scene Four: The Front Desk

it is now 3:46PM and Lil’ Mama is still texting an chatting when I go to sign out. i am elated to see that my piss has been inserted in that box that they cannot open so now I can run this bitch down.

me: ‘excuse me ma’am where is the sign out sheet’

lab worker: ‘right there’

me: ‘oh (pause) for real? (pause) see i don’t know ‘right there’ so I am going to ask you again, where is the sign out sheet’

lab worker: slides it to me sheepishly

me: now this part of the conversation we will call the ‘snatch-up’ you know how when kids misbehave you snatch them up by their collar, well here is my verbal snatch up....

‘uh young lady let me explain something to you and your friends here. you deal in piss. that is what you do, people come in they pee in cups and they hand it to you, or well one of your friends (.... she interrupts me ...)

lab worker: ‘i don’t do that’

me: ‘oh, you so cool,huh? you get to open the door for people to piss in a cup. wow, you real cool how you get that job? oh, and have a good weekend, and on monday don’t forget to open that door.’


*snatch up complete*