Work...

Noun

• S: (n) employee (a worker who is hired to perform a job)

Noun

• S: (n) contractor (someone (a person or firm) who contracts to perform a job)

So I have not had much to say for a few months, but today is a good day so I thought I would write a bit about the bullshit that is going on. So today I was expecting a rather large scale deliverable from some contractors that was to be presented by some (govt) employees. Guess what? That shit did not happen. This is how it went down (the names have been changed to protect the guilty):

There are 3 characters in this charade:

· Me

o I know I am hard to work for, I KNOW it. I was told after this debacle that my new name in the Office is "The Devil Wears Burberry"

· Contractor

o This POS idiot that claims to be some financial expert but so far all I have seen are spreadsheets I can do in my sleep

· Employee

o This spineless piece of mess does not do much other than exacerbate any anger or annoyance I feel about the work (or lack thereof ) that is being done by the contractor that he is supposed to direct.

Via Txt:

Me: "where are you?"

Employee: "still on train?"

Me: "why? And where?"

Employee: "there was a major delay, after my traffic jam coming in, Union Station Red Line"

Me: "if it is that bad, get out and walk, why am I here before you?"

Employee: "ok."

Me: "where are my deliverables for today?"

Employee: "<no answer>"

Me: "again, where are my deliverables for today?"

Employee: "<no answer>"

Of course my natural assumption is that EMPLOYEE had gone underground, even though I know our phones work underground, I assumed his shit was busted, my like mine. Let me say this too; I am not much for government work, government employees by and large (career ones at least) are not the most efficient people. Granted, I work hard, probably a little too hard. I am often at work before the coffee is brewed and leave after the cleaning crew is done, but I never, NEVER, NEVER miss deadlines or meetings. So I knew something was up when I got no response, twice. Now comes the second part of the madness.

Me: "lets take a look at what you have"

Contractor: "well, I have a mock up"

Me: "explain to me what that is, a mock up. I am not sure I follow"

Contractor: "well it is a detailed simulation of…" (I interrupt)

Me: "So it is not done?"

Contractor: "well, the mock up is complete"

Me: "what is this mock up you keep speaking of? no one directed you to make a mock up, you are charged with making a finish product, I don't do drafts, that is someone else's job."

At this point I pull out my note cards. People who have seen me work know that my life is ruled by an overly complex system of color coded 4x6 note cards, upon which I write almost everything I hear. Then I pull them out and review them, almost daily as though I am taking it all in again. If it were not me I would think it crazy, but I already know I am crazy. I have a rather snappy memory, so I try not to be too asshole-ish when I tell people that is not what I said.

Me: "see it says here that completed presentation delivery July 1 (today)"

Contractor: "I think that is wrong"

Me: "I KNOW you are wrong"

Contractor: "I think you had it mixed up"

Me: "listen; you are wrong, you knew you had to deliver something to me today, which is why you are in my office, in your best suit. You came here out of necessity not because you wanted to see my face – we both are far too busy for that, you came here to give me what you get paid for; finished product. furthermore, the idea that I do mock ups or drafts is simply ridiculous. who told you that?

Contractor: "<employee>."

Me: "oh for real? i need to fix that today?

At which point Contractor left my office and people came in snooping as to what was going on, I typically don't talk to people I don't like, so I look up acknowledge they said something and keep working, this has happened a lot today. Then Employee arrived….over 2 hours late.

Employee: "good morning, Ward"

Me: (completely disregarding the salutation) "let's talk about this mock up"

Employee: "let me get situated"

Me: "no, come on in just have a seat this won't take long"

Note: With me that is the kiss of death "this won't take long"…

Me: "who gave Contractor permission to miss a deadline?"

Employee: "well, the Department wanted talking points on a POC (Proof of Concept) today so I thought…" ( I jump in)

Me: "so you did? you gave permission to miss a deadline?"

Employee: "well, it is just a POC today"

Me: "for them yes, for me no; i don't have time to bullshit around with this madness, i have about 15 other things to work on. And if I have 15 then you have 30 so you should know that my deadline as set for you or ANYONE else is just that a DEADLINE."

Employee: <silence>

Me: "unless being quiet is going to get this done by 1:30PM EST, I suggest you go find someone to talk to who can get this done. now, you can go get situated."

Employee: "but, I was told by someone at the Department …" (I jump in)

Me: "that is where you messed up, you don't work for the Department you work here; that person there is GS-"who gives a damn", you, well you are just mediocre and working your way up. Let's meet at 12:45"

And that is how my day has been. Hope you all are well

- Him With the Asthma