She must have bumped her head!!

The funny thing aobut my job is the immense amount of hate I get just for being me. I guess it is that whole being young and smart thing. I often don't speak unless I know what I am talking avout and when i do, well it is often wrapped in a nice little package so I get my fair share of haters. Today I met (again) with the Queen Bee of the Hate Hive, and well I had to smoke her out.

Here is the history on her. She is crazy. History lesson over. Really, in all seriousness, she is a mess. All she does is prey on the fact that if she is difficult enough to deal with people will stop talking to her and just let her slip on all her responsiilities. Uh SIKE!!! Not me, you get paid to do a job, so guess what? I am headed over index cards in hand to get a status on what? You doing your job. BOOM!!

It all started yesterday when I got wind that she had told people in her Bureau that I was 'unpolished'. Of course once I got the news I had to inquire, and this is what transpired with two of her minions:

• me: uhmm, what is up with your girl?

• minion 1: she did not mean anything by it... (notice i did not have to even say to what i was speaking)

• me: did not mean anything by calling me unpolished?

• minion 2: she is jus that way?

• me: what way is that?

• minion 1&2: shrug shoulders

• me: i am not going to fret over her today, see you all tomorrow

Now tomorrow is here, it is...well today, and today I get an email this morning from Queen Bee adding all this shit to my agenda. Let me restate this, 'she' added 'shit' to my 'agenda', and then at the end said this 'I hope this does not mess up your well rehearsed delivery'...My thoughts were as follows... OH.(pause) HELL.(pause) NO.(pause) -- this bitch has definitely bumped her head.

Two things:

#1 - Don't hate me because I get my shit D.O.N.E.

#2 - You are not worth rehearsing, I have a gift. You better recognize!

Enter 1515 EST, Queen Bee's Makeshift Office: In attendance 3 important people, 1 really important person, Queen Bee, and me

• me: here is my assessment of the information we recieved from you since the last update
• Queen Bee: i will look at it later, what I want to talk about is (interrupted)

Sidebar: This is MY meeting, MY bi-weekly meeting with this bag of mess, so she does not get to dictate anything, but apparently no one had informed her that I was hip to her fiasco

• me: unless what you want to talk about is this update, we will need to table it today
• Queen Bee: (a little off-guard) well I just thought it would be beneficial to (interrupted again)

Sidebar: The key to knocking a raggedy bitch down is mastering the art of polite interruption.

• me: let me stress this, you are behind on this project so unless what you want to talk about, which is apparently outside of these (*i hold up the agenda) agenda items, is about this project; which is what this (*cue me holding up agenda again) agenda is all about, we will need to table it

Sidebar: It took a shorter amount of time than I had thought to get to the 'witching hour' with her...'withcing hour' the time at which the true witch comes out. I felt I did not have anything to lose and well the other people in the room were eatin it up. Oh, and did I mention she has a penchant for eye/neck rolling and pointing, uh not just no. but HELL NO. She breaks.

• Queen Bee: i am not behind.... in fact if we are behind it is your fault, you have not kept us abreast of deadlines... (interrupted)

• me: my fault? first, when i interited this now 10 year old project you, the project manager, had no project schedule, second, you had no idea of resource burn rate or what people were working on, lastly you told me that your only concern was that you were not made to look bad. Enter me; i procured you a staff, executive support, and everything you need; and trust me you are all the better for it.

• Queen Bee: that is not what i meant (rather defiant)

• me: well then, what did you mean? In fact don't answer that... let's move on ...

The next 35 minutes fly by with her talking about how she cannot get this or that done because of that or this, all the while the important people and very important person in the room are just eating up the excuses and taking them in. I finally had had enough. I had to slam the book on the table and wake up the room.

• me: so are you telling me that you cannot get this done, or that you are unwilling to get this done?

• Queen Bee: (again disheveled) what I am saying is these are the obstacles to getting this done (interrupted)

• me: are the obstacles new? are they different than when we first met, or when this started 10 years ago?
  

• Queen Bee: no.

• me: so what is the issue, there is one constant here, and that is 'you' not your team, not funding, but 'you'; so if there is an issue you must be very close to it, because, well, you have been here so long

Sidebar: When beating someone across the brow with your words you have to master the verbal filler in this case the 'well'

• Queen Bee: (mad as hell) you, are not being respectful...(interrupted)

• me: (with a slight smile) ma'am you are not in a position to give me advice on respect, you have continually mislead me on the progress of this project, when if fact this has gone no where, even while I have gotten you everything you requested.

• Queen Bee: well what you don't understand is that when I request of you and your staff too....(interrupted)

• me: excuse me, but what you don't understand is while this may be your office, and this may be your staff (*pointing around to her peeps)(interrupted)

• Queen Bee: wait a minute you... (pointing at me)
  

Sidebar: She puts the nail in her coffin at this point, she points at me, those of you who know me know that you DO NOT point at me.

• me: (interrupting her) I am not sure what you are about to say but it cannot be important enough that it allows you to point at me. furthermore, let's get something understood I don't take direction from you, in fact this relationship is quite the opposite, you are obliged to do what you are told to do, told by me. so I would suggest our next meeting be much more productive; in fact I would just be okay with it being productive.

I casually get up, say 'goodbye' and walk out, OH only after Queen Bee is forced to apologize for wasting my time... HELLO!

Piss Test... and the Snatch Up

Piss..and the Snatch Up....


There comes a time in everyone’s career when you are subject to some kind of drug testing, mostly in the form of pee. So today was my day to go pee in a cup. I got off early and hopped on the interwebs to see what time the places were open until. Bam I found one 2 miles away open until 3:30PM, I thought “excellent I will leave here at 3PM. So indeed I left the house at 3PM and arrive at the piss station at 3:15.

This is what unfolded next:

Scene One: The Window

at the window:
me: ‘hello I am here for occupational drug testing’

lab worker: looks up acknowledges me, looks at the clock and looks back at her work.

me: ‘um, ma’am I am here for occupational drug testing’

lab worker: this time with a LITTLE too much sass in her mouth. ‘sir, we stop performing drug tests at 3:30PM...’

*note: this probably would not have bothered me as much if this heifer was older than 20, but nah she was like 19 sitting there texting and chatting

me: ‘oh, for real?!? that’s great because it is 3:15PM’

lab worker: very dramatically ‘fill out this form have a seat and your name will be called’

me: ‘will do’ (at this point I am working hard to shine light on this girl because she was about to lose her teeth)


Scene Two: The Lobby

in the lobby: I am the LONE customer in this place, the ONLY one. So I am like I will be in and out RIGHT? well here we go...

me:after 10 minutes of sitting ‘ma’am do you know how long it will be?’

lab worker: ‘sir, you will be called when they are ready for you’

me:at this point I am done dealing with this Lil Mama look alike ‘that’s great but that is not what I asked you, what I asked you was do you know when.... (she interrupts me)

lab worker: ‘no. i don’t’

me: I had to take a pause here (read old blogs if you do not know what a pause is) ‘oh (pause), ok (pause) I got you. (pause) when they are ready they will call me, ok i got you.

*note: when agitated or angry, you do not want me to repeat what you just said, and you REALLY don’t want me to couple it with a pause. So I was ready for this one, but I still needed to piss in the cup, and I am not trying to have them taint my piss.

Scene Three: The Piss

lab door opens and the technician yells...

lab tech: ‘mr. ward?!?’

me: i look around because I am on the person in the waiting room, i get up and i go to the door

lab tech: ‘are you mr. ward?’

me: ‘yes, yes I am’

*note: anyone who has had to have a piss test knows that uncomfy thing they do when they tell you to take everything out of your pockets, no phones, blah blah blah.. so after the instructions I get to bidness ... DONE .. right around 90 ML.

lab tech: ‘put it right there’ (with no point or anything)

me: ‘uh where is right there?’


lab tech: ‘right there where it says ‘place urine here’’

*note: this is where the wheels come off because I think of it like this, you, well you are in the business of piss collection, not high on the career ladder, and you want to shine on me? uh no... so I had to speak words without speaking words to get my message across

me: ‘uh, excuse me?’ but it was all about how I said it. I was looking dead in that bitches eyes and she knew what I was really saying was “Bitch what you just say to me?”

lab tech: ‘oh I am sorry, I mean can you put it on the counter?’

me: ‘gladly.’

lab tech: ‘thank you mr. ward, please sign out at the desk’

*note: this is what happens when you hit a bitch in the throat with your words, you get respect.

Scene Four: The Front Desk

it is now 3:46PM and Lil’ Mama is still texting an chatting when I go to sign out. i am elated to see that my piss has been inserted in that box that they cannot open so now I can run this bitch down.

me: ‘excuse me ma’am where is the sign out sheet’

lab worker: ‘right there’

me: ‘oh (pause) for real? (pause) see i don’t know ‘right there’ so I am going to ask you again, where is the sign out sheet’

lab worker: slides it to me sheepishly

me: now this part of the conversation we will call the ‘snatch-up’ you know how when kids misbehave you snatch them up by their collar, well here is my verbal snatch up....

‘uh young lady let me explain something to you and your friends here. you deal in piss. that is what you do, people come in they pee in cups and they hand it to you, or well one of your friends (.... she interrupts me ...)

lab worker: ‘i don’t do that’

me: ‘oh, you so cool,huh? you get to open the door for people to piss in a cup. wow, you real cool how you get that job? oh, and have a good weekend, and on monday don’t forget to open that door.’


*snatch up complete*

All hemmed up….

Acronyms and names have been changed to protect the innocent…but there are no innocent

So yesterday 12:45PM EST came and went. I allowed for the meeting to be rescheduled to today and well it was a doozie, it went off, and well I went 'off'.

Noun

• S: (n) employee (a worker who is hired to perform a job)
  

Noun

• S: (n) contractor (someone (a person or firm) who contracts to perform a job)
  

Concept

• S: (n) GS Pay Scale ((General Schedule)pay scale for government employees)
  
  • Government employees are commonly referred to GS-xx (xx being their scale)
    

Picking up where we left off…

Employee: "i would like to apologize for yesterday"

Me: "for what?"

Employee: "yesterday, and not making sure the deliverable was in order"

Me: "oh you mean that 'mock-up'"

Employee: "yes, sir"

Me: "don't call me sir you are older than me. besides yesterday was yesterday and today, well today is today. So moving on, is <contractor> ready to meet."

Employee: "yes. i will go get him."

--- enter <employee>, <contractor>, and <contractor's boss (cb)>---

CB: "let me begin by apologizing for the confusion yesterday…." (interrupted by me)

Me: "what confusion?"

CB: "well there was a mixup on what the delivery schedule was"

Me: "oh? who was mixed up?" "me?"

CB: "i think all parties were a bit mixed up"

Note: I don't work with CB often so he does not understand how I work, so when he said this, it was almost like the street cleared before a gunfight in the Old West, I mean both <employee> and <contractor> looked at each other as though to say "OH SHIT, he don't know…"

Me: looking over my glasses at a man at least 20 years my senior… "i'm sorry?"

CB: "well it's okay…" (me Interrupting)

Me: "no, no I was not apologizing, I was clarifying, well, at least for myself, whether you were talking to me or not"

CB: "oh.." (me interrupting, again)

Me: "CB, it is CB, right?" "Let me tell you some real good stuff…there was no confusion, I was not confused, <employee> was not confused, <contractor> was not confused, and well according to this (I pull out a stack of meeting minutes and emails) you were not confused either; I mean this is you right? (I point to an email verifying the delivery schedule in which he signed off, and I point to his name(which I had already highlighted)) That is your name and your email, CB, right? Okay so you were saying…"

CB: "well what I was saying is what we have for you today is the deliverable and I think it is in perfect order for next week"

Me: "thanks, I will review with <employee> and <contractor>:

CB: "let me know if you have any questions" (hands me his card)

Me: "no need to confuse the situation I will talk to <contractor> with my questions, and oh I have your contact information, see here (I point again to his email and name), thanks"

----I wore jeans to work today, quite the stir apparently..they are well form fitting and these random people keep buzzing about my office trying not to be obvious in their staring---

Contractor: "so is all ok with the work?"

Me: "yes, it looks good, I think the (really important political official) will like what he sees"

Contractor: "shall I deliver it to print?"

Me: "yes."

Contractor: "i will drop off a copy at the (really important political official)'s office"

Me: "no you won't"

Contractor: "it will be no bother"

Me: "i don't care if it is, i will deliver it"

Contractor: "but you are in jeans and …" (interrupted by me)

Me: "and you, a tired suit, so let's err on the side of looks, I will take it, besides GS-14 doesn't like you"

Contractor: "she doesn't?"

Me: "oh you hadn't heard?"

---- <contractor> runs document off to print and comes back----

Me: "have a seat"

---- <contractor> and <employee> sit down ----

Me: "don't ever get me hemmed up in some mess like that"

Contractor: "well it was unintentional."

Me: "unintentional?"

Contractor: "well you know I did not mean to"

Me: "wait, you did not mean to not do your work, do i look that crazy to you?" "i am not sure what you are used to, but it is not this (I hold up my index finger and sorta point in a circle around my office), i don't work like that, ask around."

Contractor: ---- MORE than a bit angry and upset ---- "well ok i apologize"

Me: "ok"

Contractor: "well, i said I apologize"

Me: "listen, i said ok, and that is just about the best your are going to get; I am not accepting an apology because in my eyes apologies are for actions that result in an unintended outcome, you, well you did not do your work, and you think i will accept that? you are used to a different crowd"

Contractor: "well I understood and it was communicated to me" (interrupted by me)

Me: "communicated by who?, <employee> ? Why are you listening to him, he can barely get to work on time, you are going to get enough of that GS schedule bullshit, i am telling you now; i come to work to work, if you come to me for any other reason, it better be real compelling"

Contractor: "well let's just agree, there was some confusion on the deliverable"

Me: "look, <contractor> i am not sure who "let's" is but in this scenario it does not include me, and you know it does not include you, so do not try to get me hemmed up in that mess." "Have a good holiday" (I turn to my computer and therein lies the signal to retreat)

Contractor: "i guess I should leave"

Me: "there is no confusion there."

And that has been my day… I hope all is well…

- Him with the Asthma

At least he has a place to go…

My daily exploits with the homeless border harassment but I try to be nice until they "take me there" so to speak. Here are two recent highlights…

Scene #1: A few weeks ago…

---- Coming up the McPherson Square Metro Escalator and grabbing the free newsra, and fiddling with my umbrella ----

Homeless Lady: Well sir you look nice today.

Me: Thanks.

Note: Never look the homeless in the eye nor have an extended conversation; they will steal your soul.

Homeless Lady: Are your going to read that paper?

Me: That is why I got it.

Homeless Lady: Can you spare 83 cents?

Me: 83 cents? No.

Note: everyone knows I have a 'homeless allowance', but contained therein is a variance for bullshit requests and anything too specific (e.g. 83 cents) is a bullshit request.

Homeless Lady: Oh, you think you are better than everyone else!!!

Me: No, just better than you because you are homeless.

Homeless Lady: Fuck You!!

Me: As good as story as that would be to tell, I'll pass.

Finally I got my umbrella up and walked away, amidst a random passerby who heard the exchange saying "Damn!"

Scene #2:

--- A flock of birds violently fly out of the groundcover and startle me to the point that I jump, but at least I refrain from screaming ----

Homeless Man: Ha ha, you scared of birds.

Me: Yes, they scared me.

Homeless Man: That is funny!

Note: This is where you have to be skilled in homelessness, or at least know how to fight. The homeless are crazy so you have to pick your poison, which you never know may include something communicable. This guy had a walking stick and was about 50 ft away, so I was good.

Me: Birds are nasty, filthy creatures…

Homeless Man: You just don't like birds…

Me: No, birds are fine. But I don't like you, and at least those birds have a nest to go to; you don't, because you are homeless.

Homeless Man: <silence>

Yeah, you are about as real as that bag you’re carrying…

I mean really, what is the de-ga-ga with this mess? I cannot get over this mess I saw on the train this morning. I mean who does this shit? I mean you get on at Ft. Totten and you step on with all this fanfare and shit, then I see it, that fake ass Louis Vuitton bag, coupled with your M Street Stunner Shades. I have one thing to say to you; STOP IT!! Just stop, stop breathing, choke on your pride, poke your eyes out with those fake ass eye lashes you have.

Look, folks I am of the homosex, but suffice it to say I don't like most gay people. Just too much of too much. Exemplified by this scorching hot shitty mess on the train, who wears this shit? I could not get a quality photo, but what I could get at least tells part of the story. This gay, hmmm let's call him "Shay" got on the train stepped in, looked right, looked left, tossed his head back and stepped to the middle of the car. Well you know I took notice. I was like who is "Shay" think he is? Then it all started, I had to dissect a bitch , I went from the floor up and took note that he was 'tore-up'.

Here is the outfit: (Imagine this)

• HOUSE OF DEREON jeans (that is right, they don't make those for men)
  


• 
  
  Old school British Knights High Tops
  
  
  
  
  
  • Note: I had every color of British Knights, I even had the Black and Gold Hammer Edition, but you would not catch me dead in a casket with some on in 2009
    


• A dingy(albeit white) button down colored dress shirt
  


• A vest that looked like he got from his baby cousin, "Too Sweet"
  


• Fake ass Stunna Shades
  


• 
  
  As if all that was not enough, a fake ass Louis Vuitton Backpack
  
  
  
  
  
  • Note: This bag was so fake I wanted to change cars for fear the vinyl would give ME a rash
    

So, as the train car filled up, Shay became more and more dramatic, a loud "SIGH" here, a cursed look there, but just when I thought I had seen (and heard it all) it started. Ms. Shay turned on "she" iPod Touch and it was OVER, and when I say over I mean OVER BITCHES!!! This bitch started playing Beyonce, and not just playing it, but BLARING it. I mean I could hear it through my headphones and over my Aretha. Children, that alone was not enough; "she" decided she was not only going to 'sing', but also 'dance'; it was too much to handle and the train was too crowded for it. Then it happened, we met eyes and the judgment I was passing was evident on my face and this bitch was not having it. It was like we were having a gay "Beat It" battle scene.. (you know the one where Michael Jackson locks wrists with that other guy and the bounce around before they set it off?) But I was not having it, so I looked away in a rather dramatic fashion, because I was not going to sully my spirit with that bullshit; so I stepped off the train and gave him that over the sunglasses look that told him in no uncertain terms. "uh you ain't shit!"

Work...

Noun

• S: (n) employee (a worker who is hired to perform a job)

Noun

• S: (n) contractor (someone (a person or firm) who contracts to perform a job)

So I have not had much to say for a few months, but today is a good day so I thought I would write a bit about the bullshit that is going on. So today I was expecting a rather large scale deliverable from some contractors that was to be presented by some (govt) employees. Guess what? That shit did not happen. This is how it went down (the names have been changed to protect the guilty):

There are 3 characters in this charade:

· Me

o I know I am hard to work for, I KNOW it. I was told after this debacle that my new name in the Office is "The Devil Wears Burberry"

· Contractor

o This POS idiot that claims to be some financial expert but so far all I have seen are spreadsheets I can do in my sleep

· Employee

o This spineless piece of mess does not do much other than exacerbate any anger or annoyance I feel about the work (or lack thereof ) that is being done by the contractor that he is supposed to direct.

Via Txt:

Me: "where are you?"

Employee: "still on train?"

Me: "why? And where?"

Employee: "there was a major delay, after my traffic jam coming in, Union Station Red Line"

Me: "if it is that bad, get out and walk, why am I here before you?"

Employee: "ok."

Me: "where are my deliverables for today?"

Employee: "<no answer>"

Me: "again, where are my deliverables for today?"

Employee: "<no answer>"

Of course my natural assumption is that EMPLOYEE had gone underground, even though I know our phones work underground, I assumed his shit was busted, my like mine. Let me say this too; I am not much for government work, government employees by and large (career ones at least) are not the most efficient people. Granted, I work hard, probably a little too hard. I am often at work before the coffee is brewed and leave after the cleaning crew is done, but I never, NEVER, NEVER miss deadlines or meetings. So I knew something was up when I got no response, twice. Now comes the second part of the madness.

Me: "lets take a look at what you have"

Contractor: "well, I have a mock up"

Me: "explain to me what that is, a mock up. I am not sure I follow"

Contractor: "well it is a detailed simulation of…" (I interrupt)

Me: "So it is not done?"

Contractor: "well, the mock up is complete"

Me: "what is this mock up you keep speaking of? no one directed you to make a mock up, you are charged with making a finish product, I don't do drafts, that is someone else's job."

At this point I pull out my note cards. People who have seen me work know that my life is ruled by an overly complex system of color coded 4x6 note cards, upon which I write almost everything I hear. Then I pull them out and review them, almost daily as though I am taking it all in again. If it were not me I would think it crazy, but I already know I am crazy. I have a rather snappy memory, so I try not to be too asshole-ish when I tell people that is not what I said.

Me: "see it says here that completed presentation delivery July 1 (today)"

Contractor: "I think that is wrong"

Me: "I KNOW you are wrong"

Contractor: "I think you had it mixed up"

Me: "listen; you are wrong, you knew you had to deliver something to me today, which is why you are in my office, in your best suit. You came here out of necessity not because you wanted to see my face – we both are far too busy for that, you came here to give me what you get paid for; finished product. furthermore, the idea that I do mock ups or drafts is simply ridiculous. who told you that?

Contractor: "<employee>."

Me: "oh for real? i need to fix that today?

At which point Contractor left my office and people came in snooping as to what was going on, I typically don't talk to people I don't like, so I look up acknowledge they said something and keep working, this has happened a lot today. Then Employee arrived….over 2 hours late.

Employee: "good morning, Ward"

Me: (completely disregarding the salutation) "let's talk about this mock up"

Employee: "let me get situated"

Me: "no, come on in just have a seat this won't take long"

Note: With me that is the kiss of death "this won't take long"…

Me: "who gave Contractor permission to miss a deadline?"

Employee: "well, the Department wanted talking points on a POC (Proof of Concept) today so I thought…" ( I jump in)

Me: "so you did? you gave permission to miss a deadline?"

Employee: "well, it is just a POC today"

Me: "for them yes, for me no; i don't have time to bullshit around with this madness, i have about 15 other things to work on. And if I have 15 then you have 30 so you should know that my deadline as set for you or ANYONE else is just that a DEADLINE."

Employee: <silence>

Me: "unless being quiet is going to get this done by 1:30PM EST, I suggest you go find someone to talk to who can get this done. now, you can go get situated."

Employee: "but, I was told by someone at the Department …" (I jump in)

Me: "that is where you messed up, you don't work for the Department you work here; that person there is GS-"who gives a damn", you, well you are just mediocre and working your way up. Let's meet at 12:45"

And that is how my day has been. Hope you all are well

- Him With the Asthma

Ugly....Part One

The longer I live the more I realize I just don’t like people. Or maybe it is that I like people too much, either way the human existence just wears me down sometimes. I sometimes wish I was ugly because ugly people don’t have much to complain about, I mean when you are ugly there is not much you can do to change it, outside of call Dr. 90210 but then when you come home you will have the struggle of finding good looking friends. Agh the pressure!